television review: teachers and free ride

aka: why spring replacements should be outlawed.

-teachers (NBC; tuesday @ 9:30) link - in a word, painful. from "a writer of scrubs" this "comedy" does for hilarious teachers what law & order does for hilarious homicide investigation. it is just chock-full of re-hashed jokes about homosexuality ("i'm not gay. i'll have sex with you right here to prove it." hello? seinfeld?) relationships and race ("when a white man hides behind a trash can, he's a hero. but a black man...is homeless.") honestly, not an orignal thought in the entire 21 minutes and 45 seconds. yeah, i counted.

the main actor (i believe his name is justin bartha, though i truly don't care) somehow manages to be both smarmy AND lackluster. i just wanted to grab his pretentious leather jacket and knee him in the stomach. not to mention the contrived plot devices and other useless characters that filled the faculty lounge. a hot subsitute-turned-full-timer causing an immediate love triangle? how inventive. getting through to the "troubled student" by making hamlet "real." brilliant! not even the once-adorable sarah alexander (aka: the british "rachel" from bbc's coupling) as a 2-D british stereotype ("buckingham alice" anyone? ugh.) can be seen as even remotely charming. even joey was better than this. BRING BACK JOEY!

wow, that hurt my soul a little.

verdict: part of me wishes i recorded it just so others could get a feel for the awfulness before it gets cancelled. which by my watch should be in...about...now.

-free ride (FOX; sunday @ 9:30) link - a show about a college graduate (an unintelligible blur of a character named nate) who moves home to live with "the folks" that is so desperately trying to be the next arrested development that it is almost funny. i said "almost." it's TOO fast. too "thrown away." too kinetic. in all fairness, this could have a future. if it weren't for the sheer lack of definition and the mostly unlikable supporting characters.

the "kramer" in this little ditty is a bronzed man-child construction worker named mark who is soooooooooooooo over the top he almost comes back full circle. again, i said "almost." i mean dudes stuck in the 80s hair band era are always funny, but...wait, no. they're not.

verdict: still out. but extraordinarily pessimistic. they have one more episode before i pull the proverbial lever and make my call to the network.


-sidenote: can will & grace just go off the air already? the show responsible for more guest stars than a lifetime of love boats has an upcoming appearance from none other than ms. britney "somebody, please say you still love me" spears in a role that in every way resembles an annoying, poorly-acted version of jaime pressly's spectacular "joy" from my name is earl. dignity, thy name is NOT will or grace.

i'm done.

people watching

boston's north station, saturday march 25, 2006:

is anyone else out there creeped out by the onslaught of kids wearing shoes with rollers in the heels? kinda like those "skate shoes" from a few years ago, but much more incognito.

they look like robot-children floating over the ground without moving their legs. it's unnatural.

"St. Paul City Office Boots Easter Bunny"

ST. PAUL, Minn. - The Easter Bunny has been sent packing at St. Paul City Hall.

A toy rabbit, pastel-colored eggs and a sign with the words "Happy Easter" were removed from the lobby of the City Council offices, because of concerns they might offend non-Christians.

A council secretary had put up the decorations. They were not bought with city money.

St. Paul's human rights director, Tyrone Terrill, asked that the decorations be removed, saying they could be offensive to non-Christians.

But City Council member Dave Thune says removing the decorations went too far, and he wonders why they can't celebrate spring with "bunnies and fake grass."

two problems with this. and one of them is NOT the removal of the deocrations.

1) as a christian, I am offended by the easter bunny. it's a freakin' rabbit that has nothing to do with easter. perhaps, mr. terrill should have been more specific and called it offensive to "non-Americans." more appropriate, i think.

2) as a christian, i can never think of a situation where i would be "offended" by another religion's decoration. i mean, if i saw a jewish sign that read "happy yom kippur" i would not think twice about it. then again, the jewish community would probably never put up such deocrations in public.

they still have respect for their holidays.

sin city in a nutshell

first off, one should never fly direct (6 hours) from boston to san francisco while seated in the last row aisle seat right by the bathroom. moreso, if one were stupid or unlucky enough to have the option, one should DEFINITELY never sit in the exact seat on the return trip. mileage-plus premier, my ass. stupid united.

vegas used to be cluttered with great amenities like super-cheap buffets and free casino-to-casino trams. this is no longer the case. the only thing that is cheap any more is alcohol. go figure.

if you are riding the las vegas monorail (not that you would pay $5 a ride to do so) one night and see a man who appears to be an “oil” man from western north dakota with his "old lady," DO NOT start up a conversation with him whatever you do. it will be a funny conversation…but it will haunt you.

i love secondhand smoke. *

(for dale) the beloved san remo hotel/casino no longer exists. it is now this.

i was in harrah's for a total of 20 minutes and saw 3 people throw up. don't go to harrah's.

i absolutely sucked at game betting this year. like 4-20 sucked. however, i do still rule at video poker...until i start sucking at that as well. net earnings for the week: $0.00.

watching illinois lose to washington while surrounded by illini fans was one of the more enjoyable experiences i have ever had.

winning a money line, george mason over north carolina bet ranks up there as another.

iona, michigan state, ohio state and last but not least, bradley, can all rot in hell.

having said that, i found that cbs’ abbreviation of the bradley vs pittsburgh game’s score box incidentally reading “brad pitt” was quite hysterical.

my bracket was unceremoniously left on the table of the hotel room. i don’t want to see it ever again. i don’t want to speak of it ever again. 14 for 32 in the first round is simply pathetic. a monkey could have picked better.**



* - this is a lie. i despise secondhand smoke. i can’t wait until some brilliant casino opens a separate “smoke-free” gaming floor. no offense to my comrades who smoke, but that crap is foul.

** - note to self: hire monkey to fill out bracket next year.

check list

let's see here...

get taxes done...check.

pay bills.....check.

fix car insurance mess....uh...not yet.

line up job.....check.

print off bracket to mull over during cross-country flight.......check.

board plane for las vegas for annual madness-throw-down with buddies....en route.

later, suckers. enjoy your "one game at a time with no gambling" weekend.

ladies and gentlemen...

(insert record store name here) records proudly presents:

a gentry-less leader board



we would like to thank all involved in this very special occasion.

support your local record stores.

we interupt this self-involved depression...

to bring you MARCH MADNESS.

a much needed distraction that i am diving headlong into despite any and all apprehension dealing with the chaos that currently surrounds me. potentially and admittedly self-destructive. but, this my friends, is my kind of self-destructive behavior.

in the next week, i will focus solely on the following:

- today - 3pm - big XII championship - texas v. kansas

- today - 6pm - bracket selection show

- monday/tuesday - fret and pour over aforementioned bracket*

- wednesday - 1:49pm pst - arrive las vegas.

- thursday - watch basketball

- friday - watch basketball

- saturday - watch basketball

- sunday - watch basketball

- monday - home

merry christmas sportsfans.


*-there may or may not be a fair amount of renewing of car insurance, looking for job and/or bending over for uncle sam interspersed in the bracket finalization process.

looking forward

ever had a song hit you like a truck? yeah, me too.

observe:

Lookin' Forward
(Bergquist/Detweiler)
recording: Drunkard's Prayer

Walking out in the freezing rain
I feel nothing 'cause I numbed the pain
I'm lookin' forward to lookin' back
On this day

Prayed last night
Dear God please no
But I was never good at letting go
I'm lookin' forward to lookin' back
On this day

Good news can be so unkind
When it's everything you have to
leave behind
I'm lookin' forward to lookin' back
On this day

In the taillights
So much hindsight
Telling me what I already know
I know

am i the only one who sees this?

'cause if i am, please tell me. i want to know.

this is a banner week for racial "equality."

first this.

now this.

yeah, it's subtle. but being told i'm "(not) paying attention" because i didn't think about reddick and morrison being white doesn't sit well with me at all.

pat forde is an asshole.

and we're live in 3...2...1...

7:56 pm est - successfully avoiding the catastrophe that is joan rivers, we are ready for a ground-breaking "live-ish" post here at the annex.

underway in four short minutes...

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8:00 pm est - opening montage: an extravaganza in emotionless, low-tech special effects. this is gonna be a long night.

8:02 pm est - nod to hosts past...john stewart can't sing or dance. so let's call back everyone who ever hosted. all in all, pretty funny. whoopi: "uh-uh. hell no." ha!

8:05 pm est - stewart seems a little nervous. the audience has NO IDEA what to do with him. long night.

8:10 - warming up. warming up. that joke about...HOLY HELL, what is charlize wearing?!?!

8:13 - gay westerns throughout history...f-ing brilliant!!!

8:15 - nicole kidman alert. hide your eyes, becky. SUPPORTING ACTOR: CLOONEY. (0/1). i should have seen that stupid "oil" movie after all. good speech, george.

------

8:24 - gimmick #2 (of 3,000,000) - tom hanks faking an appropriate speech. LONG NIGHT!

8:26 - stiller. green screen. speilberg could care less. VISUAL EFFECTS: KING KONG (1/2). next.

8:31 - did reese just win something? oh, another "techie". ANIMATED FEATURE: WALLACE & GROMIT (2/3) the academy freakin' loves nick park (nice bow-ties, btw.)

(sidenote: i love the "wrap-up music" throughout the entire speeches)

8:34 - DOLLY! DOLLY! DOLLY!

------

8:42 - 42 minutes in...4 awards. huh.

wilson brothers. hell yeah. LIVE ACTION SHORT: SIX SHOOTER (3/4). heller yeah!

8:45 - can i go ONE FREAKIN' NIGHT without chicken little, please? ANIMATED SHORT: THE MOON AND THE SUN. (3/5) boooo. i freakin' knew it!

8:48 - aww, jennifer aniston. happy. (despite the overall sentiment of the people in this room) COSTUME: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (4/6).

8:51 - russell crow is such a happy guy. gimmick #3 (some pointless crap about biopics.) worthless time waster.

------

8:57 - carell and ferrell? this should be not at all funny. good gah, their faces. ha! MAKEUP: NARNIA (5/7). evangelicals everywhere rejoice!

9:01 - political jabs. scientific oscars. bathroom break.

9:03 - morgan freeman is talking...someone give someone an oscar. did he just screw up? SUPPORTING ACTRESS: RACHEL WEISZ (6/8) *ye-oww*

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9:11 - lauren bacall is wearing a pant suit. embarrassing. boy, she is struggling. where is liz taylor when we need her? gimmick #4 (tribute to film noir?) cool, but i want to sleep at some point. get on with it.

9:16 - gimmick #5 (stephen colbert: lead actress....shenanigans. kind of funny actually) DOCUMENTARY SHORT: A NOTE OF TRIUMPH (6/9) damnit! i was postitive! *crying*

(sidenote: apparently this whole night is about how hot clooney is?)

9:21 - seriously, what the hell is charlize wearing? DOCUMENTARY FEATURE: PENGUINS (7/10) shocker! these french guys are weird.

9:23 - j-lo. she's still around? "in the deep" THE STAGE IS ON FIRE!!! is the racial pantomime REALLY necessary? oh that's right, crash is an important social statement. i forgot.

------

9:32 - and we're back. a speed reunion! i will now vomit. keanu reeves is on the stage at the academy awards...apocalypse imminent. ART DIRECTION: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (8/11). yeah brother.

9:36 - samuel l. jackson is a badass. period. gimmick #uh...12? ("edgy movies" wait, was that day after tomorrow? i quit.)

9:40 - worthless speech by mr. ganas. did he just take a shot at dvds? that should go over well.

9:44 - this just in, i still don't like salma hayek. dude, bill conte is the conductor tonight?!?! where's dale? karate kid forever!! itzhak perlman plays the hits. do they do this every year? it's a good thing they are doing this, they are running a little fast tonight. SCORE: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (8/12) damn my stupid brain. i should have gotten that one.

------

9:56 - jake gyllenhallelhl presents yet another freakin' montage. gimmick #17 (epic movies. another shot at dvds. does anyone else guess that they are desperate to get people to go to the movies?)

10:00 - stewart makes a "we're out of clips" joke. amen, brother. and now, the big ones. SOUND MIXING: KING KONG (8/13) who cares.

10:04 - meryl streep has an antenna. she's a robot! this bit with her and lily is awful.

11:45 - lily and meryl are still talking.

10:13 - i love robert altman, but i am bored right now. entertain me, people!

------

10:18 - "roll out!" god help me, i love me some ludacris. "hard out here for a pimp" is performed. looks like sesame street gone very, very wrong. goodness, was that last note called for? ORIGINAL SONG: THAT PIMP SONG. (8/14) uh, okay. and the award for the most untintellible acceptance speech goes to....

(sidenote: it's like a whole group of people doing "lose yourself" by eminem on karaoke.)

10:25 - we recover. and move forward. SOUND EDITING (via another fake-advocacy ad and a garner near-fall): KING KONG (9/15). i'm back in it, baby.

10:30 - "academy award winner, george clooney" still sounds weird. gimmick #807 (in memoriam. though, i do like this one) aww, pat morita...it's a banner night for karate kid. what? no don knotts? stupid prepackaged montage. keep up.

-----

10:37 - will smith is a babbling idiot. FOREIGN FILM: TSOTSI (10/16) booyah.

10:41 - "martin scorcese, 0 oscars. 36 mafia, 1 oscar." classic. FILM EDITING: CRASH (11/17).

10:44 - hillary swank: hot or not? tonight: hot. more or less. ACTOR: PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN (12/18). how was this category such a heavyweight fight in a weak year like this? 5 great performances. wow.

------

10:54 - 6 more to go. the natives are getting tired. i am soon to be the only one left at this party. CINEMATOGRAPHY: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA (12/19) damn my damn brain. all heart picks next year. i mean it.

10:57 - jamie foxx, no frills. i like it. ACTRESS: REESE WITHERSPOON (13/20) all i can see in her speech is elle from legally blonde. that is unfortunate. ok, now she's calming down.

------

11:07 - this party has died a horrible death. i feel lonely. and dustin hoffman looks morose. SCREENPLAYS, ADAPTATION: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (14/21). is that guy wearing jeans? oh well. uma! uma! ORIGINAL: CRASH (15/22). seriously, why are the writers the ones with the longest speeches?

------

11:17 - i'm out of jokes, people. bear with me a little longer. robert lang...i mean tom hanks does his obligatory appearance (again.) da vinci code can't come out soon enough. he needs to cut that hair, stat. DIRECTOR: ANG LEE. (16/23). huh. not so adorable after all.

11:22 - here's jack! let's end this thing and get on to next year. BEST PICTURE: (drumroll) CRASH? (16/24). and we're done here. come on voters! the hype! what about the hype!?!

------

11:29 pm est - why doesn't anyone ever end with a joke? 3 1/2 hours? not too shabby considering the barnstorming pace we started out on.

so, crash is the best picture of the year, huh? well, i got nothing.

i'm out. i'm too tired to offer a recap or a parting shot.

peace.

/150 minutes i'll never get back

angry interlude

Black.White (FX, Wednesday) -- "Two families - one white and one black - come together under one roof in Los Angeles as they prepare to go out in the world as the other race."

when eddie murphy did it, it was funny. when you do it, it's retarded. way to reinforce these stereo-types under the guise of "helping." jackasses.

drumroll, please.........and........OSCAR!

UPDATE: CORRECT - INCORRECT

as always, what follows are my opinions on all 24 oscar categories. some are fact. some are fancy. all are to be taken seriously. regardless of past performance in the prediction arts, this year's list is a lock. come monday morning, you can all sit back and marvel, once again, at how right-on i was. unless, of course, i'm completely wrong. if that's the case, just pretend this post never happened.

NEW THIS YEAR: due to some outstanding market research, we here at the annex have replaced the controversial "should win" pick with the more appropriate "my pick" pick. the official score will still be tallied under the "will win" picks.

(warning: contains possible spoilers)

here we go:

supporting actor (idiot!!)
will win: paul giamatti; cinderella man
my pick: matt dillon; crash

NOTE: alright, i'm just gonna come out of the gate swinging with an upset. to start off, this year's races are b-o-r-i-n-g. but, there is no way that all of the winners are going to be the front runners or popular choices. so why not start off with acknowledging the best part about crash? why not?

supporting actress (woo hoo!!)
will win: rachel weisz; the constant gardener
my pick: rachel weisz; the constant gardener

NOTE: with all due respect to amy adams (aka: katie from the office (US)) for her breakout performance in the oddest of little movies, junebug, i gotta go with weisz. i didn't see north country so i can't speak for frances mcdormand (though she has certainly been here before) and katherine keener, while certainly worthy of the respect she is now getting for a body of thankless roles was good but dwarfed (see next category) in capote. it comes down to the fact that i still don't get michelle williams's nom and i think rachel weisz is super-hot. that's gotta count for something, right? *

actor (woo hoo!!)
will win: phillip seymour hoffman; capote
my pick: phillip seymour hoffman; capote

NOTE: i was wildly impressed with heath ledger's performance. wildly. david strathairn is my sentimental pick as edward r. murrow. that said, if it weren't for hoffman, capote would not have worked...at all. but i will get to that soon enough.

actress (woo hoo!!)
will win: reese witherspoon; walk the line
my pick: reese witherspoon; walk the line

NOTE: why do i feel like I could have put on a dress and done ANYTHING and been nominated this year? not to take away from any of the performances, but i re-fell for reese in this roll. no contest.

director (woo hoo!!)
will win: ang lee; brokeback mountain
my pick: ang lee; brokeback mountain

NOTE: while crash's paul haggis could pull off the soderbergh-ian upset by managing a wide-ranging ensemble cast, the statue is lee's to lose. his acceptance speech should be adorable.

picture (idiot!!)
will win: brokeback mountain
my pick: brokeback mountain

NOTE: this is a very weak year, in my opinion. though in the time since i saw capote, i have softened my stance. i still feel it would have been an average movie at best if not for hoffman's performance. i have come to realize that a superb acting job CAN and DOES make an entire movie like capote great. it's just a different way of approaching greatness. my issues with crash as a film that thinks big and executes at about 40% is also admittedly softening. not as much, but a little. that said, none of this matters because nothing is going to beat the boys from brokeback. it's just too controversial to not win.

cinematography (double idiot!!)
will win: rodrigo prieto; brokeback mountain
my pick: dion beebe; memiors of a geisha

NOTE: while the subtle yet enormous camerawork in brokeback is absolutely deserving, i have to go with the frontrunner in the "artsy" categories for this one. i'm partly pulling for good night but just cause it's black and white, doesn't mean it's worthy. the man who wasn't there arguably deserved to win in 2001, but didn't...and it was better than good night...cinema..to..graph..ic...ally speaking.

art direction (woo hoo!!)
will win: john myhre & gretchen rau; memoirs of a geisha
my pick: grant major, dan hennah & simon bright; king kong

NOTE: while i think that memoirs will sweep the "artsies," kong LOOKED freakin' spectacular. that's about all i will say about the big ape movie. this is not the time or place.

animated feature (woo hoo!!)
will win: wallace & gromit: the curse of the were-rabbit
my pick: wallace & gromit: the curse of the were-rabbit

NOTE: if chicken little had only been nominated....or been worth seeing...or been any good at all....this might have been a different category. as is, although i really liked corpse bride from a cinematic standpoint, nick park is too beloved by the academy to not win.

animated short (idiot!!)
will win: 9
my pick: the mysterious geographic explorations of jasper morrello

NOTE: i love cool and edgy animation. so this is lately my favorite category...a good 3-6 months AFTER the telecast. that's about how long it takes to finally SEE all of the nominees. having only seen one, the quaint, but less than spectacular badgered, and the trailers for 3 others, i have decided this: 9 has an amazing look and i can't wait until tim burton's feature-length version comes out. jasper morrello is the kind of stark, fantastical imagery i can easily love, and one man band is typical, pixar genius. point is, the one i haven't seen anything for (the moon and son) will probably win.

live action short (woo hoo!!)
will win: six shooter
my pick: our time is up

NOTE: short plays are a tough gig to get right. short films are a little easier. when a short playwright (shooter's martin macdonagh) transfers his poignant and kinetic style to film with all the blood and morality anyone could want crammed into a tiny irish train car...you gotta hand it to him. personally, i like the thought of kevin pollack unloading years of baggage on his therapy clients (time.)

foreign language film (woo hoo!!)
will win: tsotsi; south africa
my pick: tsotsi; south africa

NOTE: too much buzz. what? you've never heard of it? well, that doesn't bode well for the other nominees, now does it?

documentary feature (woo hoo!!)
will win: march of the penguins
my pick: murderball

NOTE: schlocky penguin sentiment aside, march was a damn fine documentary. and with morgan "let-me-narrarate-your-movie-and-you-will-win-an-oscar" freeman narrarating, well, there you go.

documentary short (idiot!!)
will win: god sleeps in rwanda
my pick: god sleeps in rwanda

NOTE: i hate to put all my eggs in one basket on such a volatile category that can effectively go any way, but who cares. if you've hung with me this far, you deserve,as well, to pull for the happiness-in-spite-of-devastation subject of rwanda.

costume design (woo hoo!!)
will win: colleen atwood; memoirs of a geisha
my pick: colleen atwood; memoirs of a geisha

NOTE: ms. atwood is the tyrannosaurus rex of costume design oscars. not sure what that means exactly, but it doesn't matter. there's an outside chance that charlie and the chocolate factory's team could squeak in and steal it. very outside.

make-up (woo hoo!!)
will win: howard berger & tami lane; the chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe
my pick: howard berger & tami lane; the chronicles of narnia: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe

NOTE: once again, if only george lucas were nominated for original screenplay this year (a lock if he were) i might not feel bad about snubbing him for this one. but he wasn't. and i don't.

original score (idiot!!)
will win: john williams; memoirs of a geisha
my pick: gustavo santaolalla; brokeback mountain

NOTE: it was a beautiful, departure of a score for the 4,000-time oscar winner, williams. but to me, the simple, haunting guitar on brokeback soars above everything else.

original song (idiot!!)
will win: "travelin' thru" from transamerica
my pick: "in the deep" from crash

NOTE: who doesn't want to see dolly parton win this thing? it's a crowd pleaser and an ironic nod to the "alternative lifestyle" theme that will permeate this year's show. however, "deep" captures crash's tone perfectly.

film editing (woo hoo!!)
will win: crash
my pick: crash

NOTE: intertwining story arcs. one (mostly) coherent movie. nothing else should win this. except for maybe one of the other four nominees.

sound editing (woo hoo!!)
will win: king kong
my pick: memiors of a geisha

NOTE: i have no note here. i'm getting really tired.

sound mixing (idiot!!)
will win: walk the line
my pick: walk the line

NOTE: i won't jump on the bandwagon of "since ray won this last year, the muisc biopic will win this year too." everyone has been beating that to death. BUT, since i DID pick ray for the same reasons last year, i will be a homer and go with line anyway.

visual effects (woo hoo!!)
will win: king kong
my pick: king kong

NOTE: again, it looked fantastic. there was nothing spectacular about narnia and war of the worlds was creepily cool, but it comes down to pedigree...and a big freakin' monkey.

adapted screenplay (woo hoo!!)
will win: larry mcmurtry & diana ossana; brokeback mountain
my pick: larry mcmurtry & diana ossana; brokeback mountain

NOTE: for lack of seeing a history of violence i have to say that brokeback is the obvious choice here. of the VERY FEW things that didn't settle well with me about this movie, the script was not one of them.

original screenplay (woo hoo!!)
will win: paul haggis & bobby moresco; crash
my pick: george clooney & grant heslov; good night and good luck

NOTE: i accept that the critics and (probably) the academy are in love with the script for crash. it was good. but the understated and pitch-perfect gn&gl was more my kind of dark horse.

enjoy the show, folks. i'm out. and remember, you can't spell 'academy awards' without 'cade.'

* = see also angelina jolie, jennifer connelly, halle berry, gwyneth paltrow, charlize theron, etc.