we will return to the "summer movie preview" shortly, but i had to note this:

Stones Guitarist Richards Injured in Fiji

yeah, he fell out of a palm tree.

thought you all should know that.

better late than never: an under the wire summer movie preview

in this edition of SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, we delve headlong into a summer that is literally packed with movies. so much so, that i really had to cut back. so, with all due respect to gems like GARFIELD'S A TAIL OF TWO KITTIES and FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT, i had to leave some out. enjoy.

(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=tolerable, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)

WARNING: possible spoilers included. if you want to know NOTHING about a movie (i.e.. POSEIDON), please skip over it.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: 3 (5/5) this season starts off with a yawn. tom cruise tries desperately to convince us all he's not crazy. i would more than likely skip this if it weren't for the fact that jj abrams is directing. DAMN YOU ABRAMS! ***

THE PROPOSITION (5/5) i know virtually nothing of this australian "western" other than it stars guy pearce. remember him? he was in like every movie between 2000 and 2002 and done nothing since. welcome back, leonard. ***

POSEIDON (5/12) as remakes go, i approve of this one. i loved the original growing up and an update can only make it better. AS LONG AS they don't "sugar" it up and let a certain former-child-star-turned-action-hero-turned-captain-ron-turned-hockey-coach die like he is supposed to. ****

JUST MY LUCK (5/12) lindsay lohan stars in this whimsical tale of love and luck and....um....sorry, i can't do it. *

GOAL! THE DREAM BEGINS (5/12) it's the one all you soccer fans have been waiting for. from a realism standpoint, this is the SAVING PRIVATE RYAN of soccer movies. who needs a story? ***

THE DAVINCI CODE (5/19) at the risk of being excommunicated, i am looking forward to this. that's all i'll say, because, let's face it you have ALL heard about this. there is nothing i could add. ****

OVER THE HEDGE (5/19) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is based on a well received comic strip. hey, it did wonders for GARFIELD. **

AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (5/24) a documentary about what former veep and all around sane guy al gore has been up to lately. yeah, i already saw that SOUTH PARK episode. **

XMEN: THE LAST STAND (5/26) they could make these movies for the rest of my life and the nerdy junior higher in me will look forward to every one. minuses: no more nightcrawler. pluses: beast, angel, shadowcat. and, a very cruel rumor if it's not true: an appearance by psylocke. limitless, people. this franchise is limitless. *****

THE BREAK-UP (6/2) this spot was occupied last year by MR AND MRS SMITH so why not give the other side of the equation the same? the former mrs. pitt and the future mr. aniston in a romantic comedy. will it be good? not sure if it matters. ***

THE OMEN (6/6) get it? the OMEN? comes out on june 6th? 6/6/06? forget it. *

NACHO LIBRE (6/16) i would pay $9 just to sit and stare at the poster for this movie for two hours. ****

THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS LIFE OF ETHAN GREEN (6/16)) meredith baxter is working again? sweet. **

CLICK (6/23) face value would say that i couldn't care less about this adam sandler movie. upon further investigation, the discovery of kate beckinsale AND christopher walken has bumped this slightly higher on the list. ***

STRANGERS WITH CANDY (6/28) no real strong opinion of the comedy central series that spawned this big screen version. i never loved it. never hated it. but, i have friends who would kill me if i didn't include it. however, 97 minutes of gerri blank IS a long time. ***

SUPERMAN RETURNS (6/30) will it be better than last year's great BATMAN BEGINS? doubtful. as good? maybe. worth seeing? of course, it's brian singer. ****

A SCANNER DARKER (7/7) it's richard linklater. it's cell-shade animation. it's about drugs. it's dark. it's humorous. it stars keanu reeves. oooh! they almost had me. **

YOU, ME AND DUPREE (7/14) matt dillon. owen wilson. kate hudson. honestly, it can't be HORRIBLE can it? well, it CAN be, but i don't think it will be. ***

LADY IN THE WATER (7/21) please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE... ****

MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND (7/21) SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS and JUNIOR aside, director ivan reitman rarely misses. and NEVER misses when he surrounds himself with a brilliant cast. the premise of a man who dumps his girlfriend only to find she is a secret (and begrudging) superhero might be far-fetched. but it's uma. all is forgiven. ****

MIAMI VICE (7/28) ugh. you will have to tell me how this one turns out, cause it don't exist in the cade-iverse. *

BARNYARD (7/28) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is
written and directed by steve odekerk. don't know who he is? then i wouldn't bother seeing this. ***

ANT BULLY (8/4) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is...wait. i know a guy who wrote this as a play like 10 years ago. nice. i see a lawsuit brewing. maybe i can testify. **

TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY (8/4) ok. so as much as the name "ricky bobby" makes me laugh, the will ferrell backlash has officially hit full swing. for crying out loud, do a movie with paul thomas anderson or something. **

THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP (8/4) director michel gondry's follow-up to 2004's ETERNAL SUNSHINE. gondry is sans writer charlie kauffman, but adds actor gael garcia bernal (THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES) to flesh out this trippy series of dream sequences. cool. *****

WORLD TRADE CENTER (8/9) as infinitely fascinated as i am with the events of september 11th, 2001, i have an equal hatred for this movie, it's star and it's director. that said, i applaud oliver stone for avoiding the easy "political" statements and focusing on the characters' situation. given it is a movie that didn't necessarily need to be made, he, at the very least, approached from the right direction. not sure that means i will see it, but who knows. ****

SNAKES ON A PLANE (8/18) an intricate thriller rife with nuance and subtle societal irony that....ah, who am i kidding? it's about a plane full of snakes. a plane full of snakes that will never EVER be seen by these eyes. *

THE NIGHT LISTENER (8/18) C-R-E-E-P-Y. ***

CLERKS II (8/18) at worst, it will be a feature length "dick and fart joke." at best, it will be a really really funny feature length "dick and fart joke." *****

DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE (8/25) jaime pressley stars in this adaptation of the popular video game featuring scantily-clad martial artists. i offer up one, simple, testosterone-y "hell, yeah!" **

that's it for this round. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, sifting through the wastelands on netflix.

bio-diesel? ha! mine plays the new shaggy single

ok, so i am irrationally CREEPED out by the new toyota yaris.

i have it pretty much nailed down to the fact that the commercials are part-cutesy/playful. part-unnatural. and part-evil.

math majors, solve for X:

(cutesy/playful) + unnatural + evil = X


that's right, X = creepy. i cant' explain it, but math doesn't lie.

my real problem, though, is the extended advertising. i noticed an ad banner on yahoo just a few minutes ago and the flash-animated car was zipping around. part of the text read: "mp3 compatible."

i thought to myself, "now, that's clever. they laundry-listed some specs that are hip and trendy and the 'mp3' one must have been the last one. that's kinda funny."

no. that WAS the list. "mp3 compatible." i watched the animation loop back around and, sure enough, that was the selling point. along with the tag line: "earbuds are for pedestrians."



so, just so i got this straight, i have about 6,000 mp3s on my desktop. i have no idea HOW to listen to them. maybe i should buy a $12,000 car? who cares what it's crash rating and miles/gallon numbers are. IT PLAYS MY MP3s!!! sold!

a little TOO target-specific, don'tcha think?


incidentally, the accord is also mp3 compatible. as was the lumina. it's called a modified face-plate. average cost: $200.

this just in

i am hopelessly unimpressed with my blog at the moment. i will not be upset if you feel the same way.

today, suri holmes-cruise turns 4 days old.


and i am already sick of hearing about her.


at least angelina jolie and brad pitt (note* the lack of use of the horrible "brangelina" moniker) did it right and hired some namibian lions to keep the press away. that's pretty cool, if you ask me.

man, i hate celebrity gossip.





hate it.

meanwhile, in a secret marketing meeting...

A board room in the corporate headquarters for McDonald's fast food restaurants. At the table are a fat, old man in a bad suit and two skinny, oily figures who nervously giggle to themselves uncontrollably.

Lights up.

McDonald's Exec - Thank you for coming today. Let's get started. What has your market research shown you?

Marketing Peon 1 - Well, sir. We have made a pretty exciting discovery.

Marketing Peon 2 - (continuing) We have found an entire demographic that has gone untouched by our company for years.

Marketing Peon 1 - This group has been virtually ignored by our advertising and marketing campaigns for decades.

Marketing Peon 2 - And with the recent, um, "hits" we've taken due to popular media like "Fast Food Nation" and "Supersize Me"...

McDonald's Exec - (interupting) Those bastards!

Marketing Peon 1 - Bastards, yes sir.

Marketing Peon 2 - With those "hits," we think it's time to focus on this new group.

McDonald's Exec - I see. And what exactly is this group?

Marketing Peon 2 - Well, sir. They're called "black" people.

McDonald's Exec - "Black" people, huh? What are you proposing?

Marketing Peon 1 - Well, first we need to..."urban-ize" our slogan.

Marketing Peon 2 - We're thinking something like: "i'm lovin' it."

McDonald's Exec - Edgy. I like it.

Marketing Peon 1 - And we will follow that with a series of afro-centric commercials that are as racially stereotypical as they are annoying.

Marketing Peon 2 - People will love it, sir.

McDonald's Exec - I like what I am hearing. But, if you are right about these "black" people, we should focus ALL of our efforts on them. Apparently, we have a lot of time to make up.

Marketing Peon 1 and Marketing Peon 2 smile knowingly at each other and then look back to the executive

Both - We couldn't agree more, sir.

McDonald's Exec - Let's make this happen. It will be nice to find a new group of people to fall in love with us.

Marketing Peon 1 - Whether they want to or not?

McDonald's Exec - (smiling) Yes. Whether they want to or not.

Lights fade. America sighs. cade officially enjoys the memory of his last extra value meal....ever.

catharsis

tonight, i screamed out at an uncaring ocean. and to a God who, though i know is there, seems to prefer silence at this unsettling moment.

i refuse to cry "whoa is me." i know there are those who are far worse off than i will ever be. i refuse to blame. i refuse to feel defeated. i refuse to be a "victim."

i simply have a LOT of questions.

why now? all at once like this. this couldn't be spread out over the course of, say, 20-30 years? it has to happen NOW? everywhere i look i see misery right now, Lord. how much longer will You allow this?

i know, i know. forty years in the desert. all that. if that's the way You want it. fine. just don't expect me to rejoice in it.

why is it that a woman can spill a cup of coffee on herself and somehow end up with millions of dollars for her suffering, yet an honest, hard-working man is forced to limp away from the only job he ever knew only to be dragged through the legal system for FOUR FUCKING YEARS (and counting) and, after being labelled a "trickster" and a "swindler", has no choice but to wait at the hands of over-stuffed bastards and hope that he'll end up with enough money to pay for one doctor's visit? nevermind, the next 30 years of his life.

how is that just?

why is the stress of not knowing where or when your next paycheck is coming from akin to being slowly runover by a steamroller?

how is it right that a company can force it's employees to abandon their outside lives to do work that they are not responsible for at ridiculous hours?

how does this much shit happen at one time? when will it stop? is it GOING to stop?

how is it that a man can live an entire lifetime doing good, solid work, yet barely live paycheck to paycheck, while some pretty boy in california gets $20 million to pretend he's someone else in front of a damn movie camera? no one should make that much money....ever. this is NOT the way it's supposed to be, yet i have accepted it as the norm.

when did money become so freakin' important?

how is it that i have somehow bought into this world view for so long?

why do i feel like nothing makes sense? what has changed? me? everything else?

why does everything around me feel like a personal attack?

why?

i desire to be faithful. i want to be hopeful. but i am too tired to be either right now.

i am confused.

i am angry.

i am broken.

i am listening, God. You have my attention.

an attempt to be political

i've never really had a strong stance on the death penalty. but if i had to choose, i would probably be ag'in it. (as opposed to "fer it." grandpa simpson, anyone? no? ok. moving along.)

the reason i bring this up is i have more than one issue with this whole zacarais moussaoui as the sole face of the 9/11 terrorists-"let's kill the bastard" circus. i'm sure he's guilty of all of the plotting he allegedly did. though i admit to not following the trial much or knowing really what the evidence against him is. that is for his jurors to decide.

but, doesn't it seem less than practical to punish the man who was ready to die for his cause by flying a plane into the white house....by killing him? wouldn't life in prison and daily visits by the local clergy be a better deterrent for those muslim-extremists who want to attack us? make him sit in his cell and read guideposts everyday. cause, correct me if i am wrong, but once that lethal cocktail stops his heart, he becomes the martyr he set out to be 5 years ago. something to be embraced by the people who hate us most.

am i wrong? it's okay if i am.