better late than never: an under the wire summer movie preview
in this edition of SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW, we delve headlong into a summer that is literally packed with movies. so much so, that i really had to cut back. so, with all due respect to gems like GARFIELD'S A TAIL OF TWO KITTIES and FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT, i had to leave some out. enjoy.
(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=tolerable, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)
WARNING: possible spoilers included. if you want to know NOTHING about a movie (i.e.. POSEIDON), please skip over it.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: 3 (5/5) this season starts off with a yawn. tom cruise tries desperately to convince us all he's not crazy. i would more than likely skip this if it weren't for the fact that jj abrams is directing. DAMN YOU ABRAMS! ***
THE PROPOSITION (5/5) i know virtually nothing of this australian "western" other than it stars guy pearce. remember him? he was in like every movie between 2000 and 2002 and done nothing since. welcome back, leonard. ***
POSEIDON (5/12) as remakes go, i approve of this one. i loved the original growing up and an update can only make it better. AS LONG AS they don't "sugar" it up and let a certain former-child-star-turned-action-hero-turned-captain-ron-turned-hockey-coach die like he is supposed to. ****
JUST MY LUCK (5/12) lindsay lohan stars in this whimsical tale of love and luck and....um....sorry, i can't do it. *
GOAL! THE DREAM BEGINS (5/12) it's the one all you soccer fans have been waiting for. from a realism standpoint, this is the SAVING PRIVATE RYAN of soccer movies. who needs a story? ***
THE DAVINCI CODE (5/19) at the risk of being excommunicated, i am looking forward to this. that's all i'll say, because, let's face it you have ALL heard about this. there is nothing i could add. ****
OVER THE HEDGE (5/19) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is based on a well received comic strip. hey, it did wonders for GARFIELD. **
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (5/24) a documentary about what former veep and all around sane guy al gore has been up to lately. yeah, i already saw that SOUTH PARK episode. **
XMEN: THE LAST STAND (5/26) they could make these movies for the rest of my life and the nerdy junior higher in me will look forward to every one. minuses: no more nightcrawler. pluses: beast, angel, shadowcat. and, a very cruel rumor if it's not true: an appearance by psylocke. limitless, people. this franchise is limitless. *****
THE BREAK-UP (6/2) this spot was occupied last year by MR AND MRS SMITH so why not give the other side of the equation the same? the former mrs. pitt and the future mr. aniston in a romantic comedy. will it be good? not sure if it matters. ***
THE OMEN (6/6) get it? the OMEN? comes out on june 6th? 6/6/06? forget it. *
NACHO LIBRE (6/16) i would pay $9 just to sit and stare at the poster for this movie for two hours. ****
THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS LIFE OF ETHAN GREEN (6/16)) meredith baxter is working again? sweet. **
CLICK (6/23) face value would say that i couldn't care less about this adam sandler movie. upon further investigation, the discovery of kate beckinsale AND christopher walken has bumped this slightly higher on the list. ***
STRANGERS WITH CANDY (6/28) no real strong opinion of the comedy central series that spawned this big screen version. i never loved it. never hated it. but, i have friends who would kill me if i didn't include it. however, 97 minutes of gerri blank IS a long time. ***
SUPERMAN RETURNS (6/30) will it be better than last year's great BATMAN BEGINS? doubtful. as good? maybe. worth seeing? of course, it's brian singer. ****
A SCANNER DARKER (7/7) it's richard linklater. it's cell-shade animation. it's about drugs. it's dark. it's humorous. it stars keanu reeves. oooh! they almost had me. **
YOU, ME AND DUPREE (7/14) matt dillon. owen wilson. kate hudson. honestly, it can't be HORRIBLE can it? well, it CAN be, but i don't think it will be. ***
LADY IN THE WATER (7/21) please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE... ****
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND (7/21) SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS and JUNIOR aside, director ivan reitman rarely misses. and NEVER misses when he surrounds himself with a brilliant cast. the premise of a man who dumps his girlfriend only to find she is a secret (and begrudging) superhero might be far-fetched. but it's uma. all is forgiven. ****
MIAMI VICE (7/28) ugh. you will have to tell me how this one turns out, cause it don't exist in the cade-iverse. *
BARNYARD (7/28) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is
written and directed by steve odekerk. don't know who he is? then i wouldn't bother seeing this. ***
ANT BULLY (8/4) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is...wait. i know a guy who wrote this as a play like 10 years ago. nice. i see a lawsuit brewing. maybe i can testify. **
TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY (8/4) ok. so as much as the name "ricky bobby" makes me laugh, the will ferrell backlash has officially hit full swing. for crying out loud, do a movie with paul thomas anderson or something. **
THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP (8/4) director michel gondry's follow-up to 2004's ETERNAL SUNSHINE. gondry is sans writer charlie kauffman, but adds actor gael garcia bernal (THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES) to flesh out this trippy series of dream sequences. cool. *****
WORLD TRADE CENTER (8/9) as infinitely fascinated as i am with the events of september 11th, 2001, i have an equal hatred for this movie, it's star and it's director. that said, i applaud oliver stone for avoiding the easy "political" statements and focusing on the characters' situation. given it is a movie that didn't necessarily need to be made, he, at the very least, approached from the right direction. not sure that means i will see it, but who knows. ****
SNAKES ON A PLANE (8/18) an intricate thriller rife with nuance and subtle societal irony that....ah, who am i kidding? it's about a plane full of snakes. a plane full of snakes that will never EVER be seen by these eyes. *
THE NIGHT LISTENER (8/18) C-R-E-E-P-Y. ***
CLERKS II (8/18) at worst, it will be a feature length "dick and fart joke." at best, it will be a really really funny feature length "dick and fart joke." *****
DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE (8/25) jaime pressley stars in this adaptation of the popular video game featuring scantily-clad martial artists. i offer up one, simple, testosterone-y "hell, yeah!" **
that's it for this round. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, sifting through the wastelands on netflix.
(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=tolerable, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)
WARNING: possible spoilers included. if you want to know NOTHING about a movie (i.e.. POSEIDON), please skip over it.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: 3 (5/5) this season starts off with a yawn. tom cruise tries desperately to convince us all he's not crazy. i would more than likely skip this if it weren't for the fact that jj abrams is directing. DAMN YOU ABRAMS! ***
THE PROPOSITION (5/5) i know virtually nothing of this australian "western" other than it stars guy pearce. remember him? he was in like every movie between 2000 and 2002 and done nothing since. welcome back, leonard. ***
POSEIDON (5/12) as remakes go, i approve of this one. i loved the original growing up and an update can only make it better. AS LONG AS they don't "sugar" it up and let a certain former-child-star-turned-action-hero-turned-captain-ron-turned-hockey-coach die like he is supposed to. ****
JUST MY LUCK (5/12) lindsay lohan stars in this whimsical tale of love and luck and....um....sorry, i can't do it. *
GOAL! THE DREAM BEGINS (5/12) it's the one all you soccer fans have been waiting for. from a realism standpoint, this is the SAVING PRIVATE RYAN of soccer movies. who needs a story? ***
THE DAVINCI CODE (5/19) at the risk of being excommunicated, i am looking forward to this. that's all i'll say, because, let's face it you have ALL heard about this. there is nothing i could add. ****
OVER THE HEDGE (5/19) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is based on a well received comic strip. hey, it did wonders for GARFIELD. **
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH (5/24) a documentary about what former veep and all around sane guy al gore has been up to lately. yeah, i already saw that SOUTH PARK episode. **
XMEN: THE LAST STAND (5/26) they could make these movies for the rest of my life and the nerdy junior higher in me will look forward to every one. minuses: no more nightcrawler. pluses: beast, angel, shadowcat. and, a very cruel rumor if it's not true: an appearance by psylocke. limitless, people. this franchise is limitless. *****
THE BREAK-UP (6/2) this spot was occupied last year by MR AND MRS SMITH so why not give the other side of the equation the same? the former mrs. pitt and the future mr. aniston in a romantic comedy. will it be good? not sure if it matters. ***
THE OMEN (6/6) get it? the OMEN? comes out on june 6th? 6/6/06? forget it. *
NACHO LIBRE (6/16) i would pay $9 just to sit and stare at the poster for this movie for two hours. ****
THE MOSTLY UNFABULOUS LIFE OF ETHAN GREEN (6/16)) meredith baxter is working again? sweet. **
CLICK (6/23) face value would say that i couldn't care less about this adam sandler movie. upon further investigation, the discovery of kate beckinsale AND christopher walken has bumped this slightly higher on the list. ***
STRANGERS WITH CANDY (6/28) no real strong opinion of the comedy central series that spawned this big screen version. i never loved it. never hated it. but, i have friends who would kill me if i didn't include it. however, 97 minutes of gerri blank IS a long time. ***
SUPERMAN RETURNS (6/30) will it be better than last year's great BATMAN BEGINS? doubtful. as good? maybe. worth seeing? of course, it's brian singer. ****
A SCANNER DARKER (7/7) it's richard linklater. it's cell-shade animation. it's about drugs. it's dark. it's humorous. it stars keanu reeves. oooh! they almost had me. **
YOU, ME AND DUPREE (7/14) matt dillon. owen wilson. kate hudson. honestly, it can't be HORRIBLE can it? well, it CAN be, but i don't think it will be. ***
LADY IN THE WATER (7/21) please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE. please be better than THE VILLAGE... ****
MY SUPER EX-GIRLFRIEND (7/21) SIX DAYS SEVEN NIGHTS and JUNIOR aside, director ivan reitman rarely misses. and NEVER misses when he surrounds himself with a brilliant cast. the premise of a man who dumps his girlfriend only to find she is a secret (and begrudging) superhero might be far-fetched. but it's uma. all is forgiven. ****
MIAMI VICE (7/28) ugh. you will have to tell me how this one turns out, cause it don't exist in the cade-iverse. *
BARNYARD (7/28) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is
written and directed by steve odekerk. don't know who he is? then i wouldn't bother seeing this. ***
ANT BULLY (8/4) you can't escape the onslaught of cute-animal cgi movies. you can't. don't even try. at least this one is...wait. i know a guy who wrote this as a play like 10 years ago. nice. i see a lawsuit brewing. maybe i can testify. **
TALLADEGA NIGHTS: THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY (8/4) ok. so as much as the name "ricky bobby" makes me laugh, the will ferrell backlash has officially hit full swing. for crying out loud, do a movie with paul thomas anderson or something. **
THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP (8/4) director michel gondry's follow-up to 2004's ETERNAL SUNSHINE. gondry is sans writer charlie kauffman, but adds actor gael garcia bernal (THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES) to flesh out this trippy series of dream sequences. cool. *****
WORLD TRADE CENTER (8/9) as infinitely fascinated as i am with the events of september 11th, 2001, i have an equal hatred for this movie, it's star and it's director. that said, i applaud oliver stone for avoiding the easy "political" statements and focusing on the characters' situation. given it is a movie that didn't necessarily need to be made, he, at the very least, approached from the right direction. not sure that means i will see it, but who knows. ****
SNAKES ON A PLANE (8/18) an intricate thriller rife with nuance and subtle societal irony that....ah, who am i kidding? it's about a plane full of snakes. a plane full of snakes that will never EVER be seen by these eyes. *
THE NIGHT LISTENER (8/18) C-R-E-E-P-Y. ***
CLERKS II (8/18) at worst, it will be a feature length "dick and fart joke." at best, it will be a really really funny feature length "dick and fart joke." *****
DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE (8/25) jaime pressley stars in this adaptation of the popular video game featuring scantily-clad martial artists. i offer up one, simple, testosterone-y "hell, yeah!" **
that's it for this round. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, sifting through the wastelands on netflix.
posted by cade at 1:00 PM
8 Comments:
oooh navy seals! those fat bastards at miramax should have released the passion for easter. then i could have seen it with kevin smith clark.
...speaking of MI-3. I had a dream this week that T.C. came to me for counseling. He wanted to know "where he went wrong". We did some work and discovered it happened when his ex-wife made him give up their dog. He then leapt from the chair saying how he needed to find the dog and how he hoped Nic would take him back.
...stop looking at me funny.
sounds like a good racket. you could make some serious coin counselling crazed celebrities.
go for it.
when we were down in new york last week, we kept seeing these blabk billboards with white text that said: "6/6/06...it's coming" or some other crap like that. i hope to spend that day at the beach.
and for MI:3, the fact that phillip seymour hoffman (gee, why doesn't HE come up with a nickname instead of puff daddy?) is playing a villian really makes me want to go watch it. i bet there will be nice special effects.
yeah they have that same billboard up in San Jose.
what the crapp is that?
it is my roommates birthday (rob H on my blog) so i will probably have something better to do.
Yes, M:I-3 - I (like you folk) was so far from this film until I saw Abrams, Fishbourne and Hoffman attached.
And guess what else is releasing on 06/06/06?
james-
i give. it's obviously not a movie.
I'm not holding my breath for Lady in the Water. Shamylan fooled me into thinking The Village was going to be good and I wanted to find him after the movie and kick him in the groin.
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