catharsis
tonight, i screamed out at an uncaring ocean. and to a God who, though i know is there, seems to prefer silence at this unsettling moment.
i refuse to cry "whoa is me." i know there are those who are far worse off than i will ever be. i refuse to blame. i refuse to feel defeated. i refuse to be a "victim."
i simply have a LOT of questions.
why now? all at once like this. this couldn't be spread out over the course of, say, 20-30 years? it has to happen NOW? everywhere i look i see misery right now, Lord. how much longer will You allow this?
i know, i know. forty years in the desert. all that. if that's the way You want it. fine. just don't expect me to rejoice in it.
why is it that a woman can spill a cup of coffee on herself and somehow end up with millions of dollars for her suffering, yet an honest, hard-working man is forced to limp away from the only job he ever knew only to be dragged through the legal system for FOUR FUCKING YEARS (and counting) and, after being labelled a "trickster" and a "swindler", has no choice but to wait at the hands of over-stuffed bastards and hope that he'll end up with enough money to pay for one doctor's visit? nevermind, the next 30 years of his life.
how is that just?
why is the stress of not knowing where or when your next paycheck is coming from akin to being slowly runover by a steamroller?
how is it right that a company can force it's employees to abandon their outside lives to do work that they are not responsible for at ridiculous hours?
how does this much shit happen at one time? when will it stop? is it GOING to stop?
how is it that a man can live an entire lifetime doing good, solid work, yet barely live paycheck to paycheck, while some pretty boy in california gets $20 million to pretend he's someone else in front of a damn movie camera? no one should make that much money....ever. this is NOT the way it's supposed to be, yet i have accepted it as the norm.
when did money become so freakin' important?
how is it that i have somehow bought into this world view for so long?
why do i feel like nothing makes sense? what has changed? me? everything else?
why does everything around me feel like a personal attack?
why?
i desire to be faithful. i want to be hopeful. but i am too tired to be either right now.
i am confused.
i am angry.
i am broken.
i am listening, God. You have my attention.
i refuse to cry "whoa is me." i know there are those who are far worse off than i will ever be. i refuse to blame. i refuse to feel defeated. i refuse to be a "victim."
i simply have a LOT of questions.
why now? all at once like this. this couldn't be spread out over the course of, say, 20-30 years? it has to happen NOW? everywhere i look i see misery right now, Lord. how much longer will You allow this?
i know, i know. forty years in the desert. all that. if that's the way You want it. fine. just don't expect me to rejoice in it.
why is it that a woman can spill a cup of coffee on herself and somehow end up with millions of dollars for her suffering, yet an honest, hard-working man is forced to limp away from the only job he ever knew only to be dragged through the legal system for FOUR FUCKING YEARS (and counting) and, after being labelled a "trickster" and a "swindler", has no choice but to wait at the hands of over-stuffed bastards and hope that he'll end up with enough money to pay for one doctor's visit? nevermind, the next 30 years of his life.
how is that just?
why is the stress of not knowing where or when your next paycheck is coming from akin to being slowly runover by a steamroller?
how is it right that a company can force it's employees to abandon their outside lives to do work that they are not responsible for at ridiculous hours?
how does this much shit happen at one time? when will it stop? is it GOING to stop?
how is it that a man can live an entire lifetime doing good, solid work, yet barely live paycheck to paycheck, while some pretty boy in california gets $20 million to pretend he's someone else in front of a damn movie camera? no one should make that much money....ever. this is NOT the way it's supposed to be, yet i have accepted it as the norm.
when did money become so freakin' important?
how is it that i have somehow bought into this world view for so long?
why do i feel like nothing makes sense? what has changed? me? everything else?
why does everything around me feel like a personal attack?
why?
i desire to be faithful. i want to be hopeful. but i am too tired to be either right now.
i am confused.
i am angry.
i am broken.
i am listening, God. You have my attention.
posted by cade at 12:42 AM
8 Comments:
At the risk of sounding pathtically empathetic...
I know what you mean, man. This post could have been mine in some ways. Thanks.
at least you know you are not alone in how you feel - i don't guess that helps much.
"i am listening, God. You have my attention."
That's got to be the best place to be in the entire world. Not in the midst of the shit, but afterward, after God pulls us out of it.
You know a lot of people are here for you if you need us, brother. Don't be afraid to give us a shout.
In fact, heck with it. I'm going to figure out your phone number and call you Wednesday night. We need to catch up, anyway.
It's strange, as a Christian, that I sometimes loathe when people quote scripture to me when I'm depressed or frustrated about something. I'm not sure if its the fact that I know the promises God has made and I feel like someone is preaching them to me, or if its that frustration and depression are human emotions and when we're experiencing them they get the better of us. But in the end, It's what we have to fall back on.
I've never been to "the" bottom, but I've bottomed out a few times. There's one thing I've always found there...my Redeemer.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Romans 8:28-39
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I love ya brother. Let me know if there's anything I can do.
Sorry for the long post.
A wonderful post Cade. Thank you for your honesty in this . . . your honesty with God, and your openness to allow us a view of what you are wrestling with.
Let me know where I can be of help.
thanks all,
the funny thing is that, in truth, i thought i disabled comments on this post.
i woke up yesterday and decided (with a little help) that worrying about the things i can't control is pointless.
the sun has shone for two straight days and i am feeling strangely at peace.
there is plenty of time to get overwhelmed in the future. it was foolish of me to try and do it all at once.
i love you all. your thoughts are well received.
Really great talking with you tonight. I am ecstatically looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday, if everything (Lord willing) works out. I also can't wait to meet this Becky person...
And i gotta say, watching the music video footage cleared my head of a lot of things.
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