on my mind
this weekend, i'm heading to colorado for a friend's wedding. background story available here.
as i prepare myself for the things that will undoubtedly permeate this weekend's events (friday's golfing adventure aside,) i can't help but be comtemplative. this weekend, i am prepared...
-to see people i haven't seen in more than 10 years.
-for that to be awkward.
-to have overwhelming feelings of jealousy grip me throughout the ceremony.
-to see true joy in spite of all that.
-to think about the past too much.
-to have fun.
-to grow up.
all of this leads me to my point. i have a fear of this wedding. one that goes beyond any form of petty jealousy or self-induced-depression. it's a fear that this will be the last time that i will ever see my friend.
you see, i have both enjoyed and/or suffered through about 3 million weddings since i graduated from high school. most of these were my guy friends getting married, and there's usually little pain that goes with that. but, i have always had difficulty when it comes to my female friends walking the aisle. it's not what you're thinking. (well. at least, not in every instance.) this difficulty comes well after the ceremony. after a few months have past and i realize that i haven't seen or talked to her since the wedding...or begin to doubt i ever will again. i can say, with few exceptions, that with almost every female friend i have that has gotten married, our relationship has all but dissappeared shortly thereafter.
what causes this? there is the question.
is it an indication of the shallowness of the relationship to begin with? in some cases, maybe. is it because they now have found everything that they need in a male companion, thus negating (or at least miniaturizing) the need for other male friends? in some cases, it's possible. or, is it just me? is there something inside me that subconsciously closes off once they are effectively "off the market?" again, in some cases...you know, i could go off on a whole when harry met sally-esque diatribe about men only being friends with women they are interested in, but i won't.
the point is, whatever the reason for it, i hate it. and it terrifies me that it could be happening again. no. i won't let it this time. i can't. there are certain people that you just NEED to have in your life. even if they are in the smallest corner and you have to fight your way back to find them.
but are the others salvagable too? or is it too late? i don't have to like the fact that there's someone that i spent every waking hour with for what seemed like an eternity, who i haven't so much as said "hi" to in over 3 years. or, with others, why can't i be okay with a light conversation once every few years?
becasue that's not the way it was, that's why. and damnit, i hold on to the past like it was the only oxygen left in the known universe.
i'm not happy about it. but, i certainly can't figure it out either. i'd like to say that i'm okay with friends moving in and out of my life. that's it's a natural progression and i can accept it. but, that would be a horrible lie.
okay, that's enough for now. sorry about all this.
as i prepare myself for the things that will undoubtedly permeate this weekend's events (friday's golfing adventure aside,) i can't help but be comtemplative. this weekend, i am prepared...
-to see people i haven't seen in more than 10 years.
-for that to be awkward.
-to have overwhelming feelings of jealousy grip me throughout the ceremony.
-to see true joy in spite of all that.
-to think about the past too much.
-to have fun.
-to grow up.
all of this leads me to my point. i have a fear of this wedding. one that goes beyond any form of petty jealousy or self-induced-depression. it's a fear that this will be the last time that i will ever see my friend.
you see, i have both enjoyed and/or suffered through about 3 million weddings since i graduated from high school. most of these were my guy friends getting married, and there's usually little pain that goes with that. but, i have always had difficulty when it comes to my female friends walking the aisle. it's not what you're thinking. (well. at least, not in every instance.) this difficulty comes well after the ceremony. after a few months have past and i realize that i haven't seen or talked to her since the wedding...or begin to doubt i ever will again. i can say, with few exceptions, that with almost every female friend i have that has gotten married, our relationship has all but dissappeared shortly thereafter.
what causes this? there is the question.
is it an indication of the shallowness of the relationship to begin with? in some cases, maybe. is it because they now have found everything that they need in a male companion, thus negating (or at least miniaturizing) the need for other male friends? in some cases, it's possible. or, is it just me? is there something inside me that subconsciously closes off once they are effectively "off the market?" again, in some cases...you know, i could go off on a whole when harry met sally-esque diatribe about men only being friends with women they are interested in, but i won't.
the point is, whatever the reason for it, i hate it. and it terrifies me that it could be happening again. no. i won't let it this time. i can't. there are certain people that you just NEED to have in your life. even if they are in the smallest corner and you have to fight your way back to find them.
but are the others salvagable too? or is it too late? i don't have to like the fact that there's someone that i spent every waking hour with for what seemed like an eternity, who i haven't so much as said "hi" to in over 3 years. or, with others, why can't i be okay with a light conversation once every few years?
becasue that's not the way it was, that's why. and damnit, i hold on to the past like it was the only oxygen left in the known universe.
i'm not happy about it. but, i certainly can't figure it out either. i'd like to say that i'm okay with friends moving in and out of my life. that's it's a natural progression and i can accept it. but, that would be a horrible lie.
okay, that's enough for now. sorry about all this.
posted by cade at 4:50 PM
4 Comments:
Great post Cade. Thanks for this. Thanks for the honesty.
brother,
i could say many things...
but they would amount to a clanging gong in your ears or a bandaid for a bullet wound.
you know all the "positive" "christian" mental remedies for this ache...
you've been told them a million times...
i will simply say that i as jobs friends before they sinned and spoke sit with you (at least in spirit) as you travel to and from colorado.
when i come to you in the fall (God willing) we will have a pint and make glad our hearts.
I think the girls sometimes feel like their husbands might not see their friendship with the friend-guy as a friendship, even if the girl was friends with the guy before the relationship with the now-husband. There is always that feeling, on the girl's part, that the husband might somehow feel threatened, even if he is friends with the girl's friend to begin with. Marriage changes things and it's not always easy to see what or how.
I have lost a few guy friends this way, too, and it is disappointing and sad and such.
Also, I know I've done it, but it's your blog and you needn't apologize for anything you've written in it. /lecture.
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