the triumphant resurrection of the fall movie preview

it's time again for me to forage through the vast wasteland that is Hollywood and preview some of the movies coming out in this, the third busiest time of the year for movie-releasin'. what follows, as always, is opinion and may be of interest to no one. but i persevere. this edition contains the return of many cadeland favorites who have been on hiatus for far too long. and we finally get to see where nicole kidman and jason bateman have been hiding. (they are in a combined 6 movies coming out between now and christmas.) away we go.

(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=tolerable, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)

SHOOT 'EM UP (9/7) - over the top, "comic-book" violence; starring clive owen, paul giamatti and an infant? where do i sign up? ****

THE DARJEELING LIMITED (9/29) - there is only one thing that giddies my up more than a new coen brothers movie....and that's a new wes anderson movie. in darjeeling, he continues to grow out into the big world, but rather than trying to force his unique view onto something TOO broad (see: the life aquatic) he goes to india and shoots a movie on a train. throw in veteran wes-pals owen wilson, jason schwartzman and anjelica huston along with newcomer adrien brody...well, suffice it to say, i will be there opening weekend. even if i'm the only one. ****

ACROSS THE UNIVERSE (9/14) - this is what would happen if you threw baz luhrman's moulin rouge, cirque du soleil's LOVE and eli roth's hostel II into a giant blender, removed baz luhrman and cirque du soleil and hit the "pulverize" button. this completely unnecessary use of 33 "reimagined" beatles' tunes, to tell god knows what story, tops my list of largest cinematic-sins this year to date. what does hostel II have to do with it, you ask? that's the only other movie i could think of that i want to see less that this garbage. not even a cameo by U2's bono as "dr. robert" can save this one for me. (no stars)

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD (9/21) - and my nominee for the lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events excellent title award goes to this movie that seems like it has been "coming out" for the better part of a decade. it's an all-star cast. it could be the successful return of the western genre (see also: russel crowe and christian bale in 3:10 to yuma). i don't know. it just seems like a good bet to me. ****

INTO THE WILD (9/21) - jon krakauer's book is finally adapted to the screen. sean penn directs. great supporting cast. i will allow it. ***

THE JANE AUSTEN BOOK CLUB (9/21) - before you go jumping on the how-many-more-movies-about-austen-can-they-make bandwagon, consider this: it isn't about jane or one of her books. you see, it's set in modern day sacramento....you know what? nevermind. *

IN THE SHADOW OF THE MOON (9/7) - a documentary about the remaining astronauts from the apollo missions. the nerd in me is pretty anxious to hear a composite statement from the only men left that have stood on the moon. ***

I WANT SOMEONE TO EAT CHEESE WITH (9/5) no. **

THE HEARTBREAK KID (10/5) - the farrelly brothers are back to their R-rated stride that they all but abandoned after there's something about mary. and they have brought ben stiller, once again, along for the ride. it's no neil simon, but it might be good. the sophomore, gross-out humor fad is gonna end soon, folks. so go and enjoy this one while you can. ***

SAW IV (10/26) - i can only hope it is as meritorious and thought-provoking as the 3 previous movies. *

LARS AND THE REAL GIRL (10/12) - just your standard movie about a guy who is love with an inflatable doll...and all his friends who support it. ***

GONE BABY GONE (10/19) - FINALLY, ben affleck is directing. *

MICHAEL CLAYTON (10/5) - it's everything you love about franchises like the john grisham or robert ludlum movies. only this one stars that guy who played "george" on the facts of life. i often wondered if we would ever hear from him again. ***

GRACE IS GONE (10/5) - 4 words: john. cusack. oscar. nomination. ****

THINGS WE LOST IN THE FIRE (10/26) - this might be the funniest movie about coping with the death of a loved one ever. then again, it might just be as depressing as it sounds. **

ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE (10/12)- oh great! ANOTHER sequel. *****

ENCHANTED (11/21) - disney's last ditch effort to be relevant in animation brings us this cool world meets kate and leopold offering. the nouveau-movie musical backlash has officially begun. **

MR. MAGORIUM'S WONDER EMPORIUM (11/16) - any similarity to charlie and the chocolate factory is completely intentional. **

CASSANDRA'S DREAM (11/30) - is it just me, or is woody allen's recent "london" mood just not that funny? ****

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (11/9) - good news: the coen brothers are back. bad news: it's yet another adaptation. javier bardem is an interesting choice as a lead. jury is still out. ****

BEE MOVIE (11/2) - i want to hate it. i do. but it's jerry seinfeld. not saying that will make it good...but it's a step in the right direction. **

AMERICAN GANGSTER (11/2) - good cast. solid director. it won't be the departed but it will be good. ***

THOMAS KINKADE'S THE CHRISTMAS COTTAGE (11/30) yep. you read that correctly. *

BEOWULF (11/16) - i remember sort of reading this book in high school. maybe if there was an angelina jolie movie version of it then...i might have finished it. ***

note - at this point i should stop. but, i don't see myself doing a separate "holiday" preview. so, i will just continue on with december...

I AM LEGEND (12/14) - will smith shines in the latest of his string of small-budget, indie flicks. i'm sure this one is chock-full of heart and emotion just like it's predecessors i, robot and wild wild west. both of which, coincidentally, were also much needed adaptaions. **

CHARLIE WILSON'S WAR (12/25) - this movie needs to make 20 kajillion dollars just to pay off it's cast. ***

THE BUCKET LIST (12/25) - jack nicholson and morgan freeman are cancer patients trying to cross things of of their "to do" lists before they kick it. i doubt it will be as good as it could be, but it may be decent. ***

SWEENEY TODD (12/21) - those of you who know me, know that i love stephen sondheim. you also know that i love tim burton. and that johnny depp and helena bonham carter are each firmly in my top 5 actor/actress lists (respectively.) so why am i worried about this big screen adaption of sondheim's darkly comic musical about a revenge-warped barber in 19th century london? easy. i'm not. *****

THERE WILL BE BLOOD (12/26) - and speaking of blood. daniel day-lewis and p.t. anderson (where have you been!?!) team up for this dramatic retelling of upton sinclair's novel, oil!. awesome. *****

JUNO (12/14) - allow me to briefly list the cast for you: ellen page, michael cera, allison janney, jason bateman and jennifer garner. if any of these mean anything to you...you may join me in seeing this movie. ****

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS (12/14) - jason lee, you are dead to me. (no stars)

that's it. there are 300 million movies coming out this fall so this is all i had the energy to talk about. if you want do discuss in the valley of elah, national treasure: book of secrets or the golden compass feel free to do so on your own blog. peace.