a 500-word rant concerning retailers

(the 500-word rant was mercilessly stolen and bastardized from the gang over at spite magazine.)

hey, home depot. it’s called customer service, give it a shot. when someone stands in the middle of your cavernous warehouse for 40 minutes looking like they’ve been lost in the mojave…help them. it may seem like a better idea to ignore the customer and act busy, but it’s not. it is not my job, as a customer, to seek you out and beg for assistance. if someone walked into my house, i might ask them if they needed a hand with something. it’s in your court, home depot. i will not yield. i am stubborn.

to all managers of subway sandwich shops: be examples for your employees. hiring high schoolers is a noble thing. leaving them alone, untrained, to run your stores is not. i feel old every time i enter and receive that look that says “you just invaded an 18 and under club, sir.” i feel bad that i interrupt very important conversations about “so-and-so” being cute or “who spilled the tub of mayonnaise in the back room.” or heaven help me if i disrupt a front of the establishment smoke break. i do sincerely apologize for inconveniencing your under prepared staffers. i know that they simply don’t know any better. it’s up to you, managers, to guide them. teach them the difference between being nice to the customer and screaming joking obscenities at the friend who is in the corner waiting for said customer to leave so that the secret, after school club festivities can resume.

then, there’re the ultra-hipsters at the gap. i accept that you are better than me. i accept that i will never look in these clothes the way you do right now. can’t we just get to the exchange of money so i can be on my way? your old navy brethren don’t seem to have a problem with me. is it because you don’t get walkie-talkies to play with? oh, and thank you for making me think that i can pull off colors like lavender, orange and turquoise. i know i can’t. you know it. let’s just be honest with each other.

best buy greeters: i’m fine. thanks for asking, but please wait until i’m actually through the door before you jump me.

everyone else at best buy: i do not need help. get with the people over at home depot; figure out a way to split the difference between their customer abandonment issues and your customer harassment issues. if you succeed, we will all be happier.

meanwhile, at borders: thank you. you get it. at least your representation in my world does.

and finally, to the check-out lady at target who kept calling me “sexy-legs.” thank you, now please stop it. my legs are not sexy. and if they were, this was neither the time nor the place to discuss them. i just wanted to buy a fan. it was a nice day. i wore shorts. i will not be doing that at target for a long time.

creepy.