summer movie preview
back by popular demand, here's all the information you need to ensure a valuable and productive summer at the movies. if you all are as excited as i am about a summer of t.v. shows turned into bad movies, then you will enjoy this preview.
(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=bad, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)
WARNING: possible spoilers included. if you want to know NOTHING about a movie (ie. star wars), please skip over it.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN (5/6) good cast. proven director. tough subject matter. i like it. besides, it's obvious that ridley scott is the only one who can pull off this kind of period piece. *****
HOUSE OF WAX (5/6) paris hilton better die in this thing. *
KICKING AND SCREAMING (5/13) i love will ferrell. i even saw anchorman in the theater. i will not be so inclined this time. **
UNLEASHED (5/13) luc besson can find humanity in just about anything. jet li as a man raised as a fighting dog? i'm game. ****
MONSTER-IN-LAW (5/13) jane fonda's back! if this excites you, have fun. i'll be at home watching...well...anything else, really. *
STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH (5/19) an army of wookies? FIVE lightsaber duels? desperate jedis facing extinction? call me nuts. call me stupid. but i am remaining wildly optimistic. ****
THE LONGEST YARD (5/27) it's the waterboy in prison. that's right where it belongs, but it's still not a good idea. **
(sidenote: i H-A-T-E remakes.)
CINDERELLA MAN (6/3) impressive pedigree. i'm sure it will be great, boxing is hot right now. but i admit, i just can't get excited about it. ****
LORDS OF DOGTOWN (6/3) the birth of skate boarding in southern california in the 1970's? okay. starring heath ledger and johnny knoxville? oh, nevermind. **
MR. AND MRS. SMITH (6/10) pointless gossip aside, this should be pretty good. it's angelina. it's brad. there's something for everyone. if the balance between action and comedy is there...we're in business. ****
THE HONEYMOONERS (6/10) a remake of the classic television show. and in true guess who style, cedric the entertainer channels jackie gleason. could be funny, but i'm gonna lean the other way. **
BATMAN BEGINS (6/17) christopher nolan helms this new telling of the caped crusader. pee wee herman could play batman and i would still line up to see what the memento director does with it. so christian bale will suit just fine. *****
HERBIE: FULLY LOADED (6/24) everyone's favorite VW makes his leap into the CG millennium. oh good. *
BEWITCHED (6/24) a remake of the classic television show. will ferrell and nicole kidman push the limits of how many movies they can force on us at once. oh, and shirley mcclaine plays endora. **
WAR OF THE WORLDS (6/29) spielberg directs this special effects extravaganza AND tom cruise stars in it. a blockbuster for sure. but, as we say in cadeland : "helloooo, netflix." if only little dakota fanning could find some work. ***
FANTASTIC FOUR (7/8) if it lives up to it's genre brethren (x-men, spiderman,the hulk) this will be great. somehow, i think it's going to fall short. prove me wrong, guys. ***
DARK WATER (7/8) i look forward to every one of jennifer connelly's performances (house of sand and fog,the hulk). this american remake of a japanese horror movie officially breaks that streak. (yep, i hated the ring too.) **
WEDDING CRASHERS (7/15) i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this vince vaughn/owen wilson screwball buddy comedy is going to be funny. very, very funny. *****
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (7/15) tim burton, check. johnny depp, check. sureallistic telling of a simple, crazy story, check. sure it's a remake, but there are only two people who could pull this one off. lucky for us, they have. ****
THE BAD NEWS BEARS (7/22) i was upset about this one at first, but after seeing billy bob thornton (as coach buttermaker) in a "she looked good last night" t-shirt, i'll allow it. ***
THE ISLAND (7/22) a promising new project from summer-only-director, michael bay. but, promises tend to be broken...just rewatch pearl harbor. yeah, i'm not going to either. ****
SKY HIGH (7/29) kurt russell teaches superhero-ing in a superhero school. <sarcasm>this is gonna be great.</sarcasm> *
THE BROTHERS GRIMM (7/29) it's time for terry gilliam to have another great movie. i can only hope this is it. ****
THE PINK PANTHER (8/5) steve martin is french? in this *yawn* remake of the original peter sellers classic, martin will no doubt be funny. and i will no doubt, rent the original. ***
(sidenote: i still hate remakes.)
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (8/5) all together now: a remake of the classic television show. do the words "charlie's f-ing angels" mean anything to anyone?!? i would rather see o.j. simpson as daisy duke than jessica simpson. *
BROKEN FLOWERS (8/5) the latest installment in the "let's-get-bill-murray-that-oscar" campaign. ****
DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO (8/12) hmmm, rhymes with: no. *
SKELETON KEY (8/12) looks original...oh wait, it's not. no, in fact, it's EXACTLY the same as every other nouveau-thriller in the last 5 years. and i've hated them all. *
THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN (8/19) let's see if steve carell can CARRY a movie instead of just stealing scenes. ***
that's it for this round. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, the checkout line at blockbuster.
(reminder of my ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***=bad, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)
WARNING: possible spoilers included. if you want to know NOTHING about a movie (ie. star wars), please skip over it.
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN (5/6) good cast. proven director. tough subject matter. i like it. besides, it's obvious that ridley scott is the only one who can pull off this kind of period piece. *****
HOUSE OF WAX (5/6) paris hilton better die in this thing. *
KICKING AND SCREAMING (5/13) i love will ferrell. i even saw anchorman in the theater. i will not be so inclined this time. **
UNLEASHED (5/13) luc besson can find humanity in just about anything. jet li as a man raised as a fighting dog? i'm game. ****
MONSTER-IN-LAW (5/13) jane fonda's back! if this excites you, have fun. i'll be at home watching...well...anything else, really. *
STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE SITH (5/19) an army of wookies? FIVE lightsaber duels? desperate jedis facing extinction? call me nuts. call me stupid. but i am remaining wildly optimistic. ****
THE LONGEST YARD (5/27) it's the waterboy in prison. that's right where it belongs, but it's still not a good idea. **
(sidenote: i H-A-T-E remakes.)
CINDERELLA MAN (6/3) impressive pedigree. i'm sure it will be great, boxing is hot right now. but i admit, i just can't get excited about it. ****
LORDS OF DOGTOWN (6/3) the birth of skate boarding in southern california in the 1970's? okay. starring heath ledger and johnny knoxville? oh, nevermind. **
MR. AND MRS. SMITH (6/10) pointless gossip aside, this should be pretty good. it's angelina. it's brad. there's something for everyone. if the balance between action and comedy is there...we're in business. ****
THE HONEYMOONERS (6/10) a remake of the classic television show. and in true guess who style, cedric the entertainer channels jackie gleason. could be funny, but i'm gonna lean the other way. **
BATMAN BEGINS (6/17) christopher nolan helms this new telling of the caped crusader. pee wee herman could play batman and i would still line up to see what the memento director does with it. so christian bale will suit just fine. *****
HERBIE: FULLY LOADED (6/24) everyone's favorite VW makes his leap into the CG millennium. oh good. *
BEWITCHED (6/24) a remake of the classic television show. will ferrell and nicole kidman push the limits of how many movies they can force on us at once. oh, and shirley mcclaine plays endora. **
WAR OF THE WORLDS (6/29) spielberg directs this special effects extravaganza AND tom cruise stars in it. a blockbuster for sure. but, as we say in cadeland : "helloooo, netflix." if only little dakota fanning could find some work. ***
FANTASTIC FOUR (7/8) if it lives up to it's genre brethren (x-men, spiderman,
DARK WATER (7/8) i look forward to every one of jennifer connelly's performances (house of sand and fog,
WEDDING CRASHERS (7/15) i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this vince vaughn/owen wilson screwball buddy comedy is going to be funny. very, very funny. *****
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (7/15) tim burton, check. johnny depp, check. sureallistic telling of a simple, crazy story, check. sure it's a remake, but there are only two people who could pull this one off. lucky for us, they have. ****
THE BAD NEWS BEARS (7/22) i was upset about this one at first, but after seeing billy bob thornton (as coach buttermaker) in a "she looked good last night" t-shirt, i'll allow it. ***
THE ISLAND (7/22) a promising new project from summer-only-director, michael bay. but, promises tend to be broken...just rewatch pearl harbor. yeah, i'm not going to either. ****
SKY HIGH (7/29) kurt russell teaches superhero-ing in a superhero school. <sarcasm>this is gonna be great.</sarcasm> *
THE BROTHERS GRIMM (7/29) it's time for terry gilliam to have another great movie. i can only hope this is it. ****
THE PINK PANTHER (8/5) steve martin is french? in this *yawn* remake of the original peter sellers classic, martin will no doubt be funny. and i will no doubt, rent the original. ***
(sidenote: i still hate remakes.)
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD (8/5) all together now: a remake of the classic television show. do the words "charlie's f-ing angels" mean anything to anyone?!? i would rather see o.j. simpson as daisy duke than jessica simpson. *
BROKEN FLOWERS (8/5) the latest installment in the "let's-get-bill-murray-that-oscar" campaign. ****
DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO (8/12) hmmm, rhymes with: no. *
SKELETON KEY (8/12) looks original...oh wait, it's not. no, in fact, it's EXACTLY the same as every other nouveau-thriller in the last 5 years. and i've hated them all. *
THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN (8/19) let's see if steve carell can CARRY a movie instead of just stealing scenes. ***
that's it for this round. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, the checkout line at blockbuster.
posted by cade at 9:32 PM
6 Comments:
you are a brilliant man Cade. I love these posts.
i second that. i cannot believe they are making a dukes of hazzard movie. everyone involved with that process, including poor, long-suffering jessica simpson, should be shot.
two in the head with a twenty-two should do it.
as for star wars, i'm sticking to my earlier assertion that it would have made a lot more sense if luke and leia were conceived in a rape. in addition, i think hayden christianson (sp?) was perfectly cast in life as a house. i could say more on that subject, but won't.
ohmygod, so much to say.
First, your failure to include Rollbounce is unpardonable, sir.
Okay, now:
- wedding crashers: the previews make me shake wildly with laughter.
- i too, remain optimistic about star wars.
- i agree with you regarding many of the movies, but must respectfully disagree about "kingdom of heaven." it looks terrible to me.
- ah, paris. how i hope for the goriest death scene ever.
- i can't get into "cinderella man" either, and trailers like that usually make me cry copiously. i'm a sucka, it's true.
okay. that's all i have the energy for right now.
i hold no opinion as gospel. i could very well be wrong about any or all of these. (in the holiday issue, i almost gave million dollar baby a low rating because of it's name.)
as for roll bounce, it stars li'l bow wow, right? here's the rating: *
Well, I did not enjoy the Million Dollar Baby, though I blame the girl in front of me who was answering her phone through the entire movie.
As for Rollbounce, have you seen the trailer? Were you not taken by the Bill Withers song and the rollerskates? I'm sincerely excited about it. Bear in mind that I own Center Stage and Save The Last Dance. I'm just putting that out there.
joolz,
can't believe you did not shout down or slap the girl who sat in front of you during million dollar baby.
thought you had more moxie than that.
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