ten things i hate....holiday edition

1) snow stopped being fun when i turned 16. now, it's just a nuisance.

2) old navy ads

3) the perpetual myth of santa claus that is breeding a new generation of gift-hungry, spoiled children

4) being forced to travel elbow to elbow with holiday travellers

5) f***ing egg nog

6) a month-long reminder of my own credit card debt

7) this thing

8) clay aiken (i know, he has nothing to do with the holidays, but i still hate him.)

9) christmas special after christmas special after christmas special.

10) i don't care what jessica simpson and nick lachey are doing for christmas! I DON'T CARE! DON'T SHOW ME!

just give me a window seat and no one gets hurt

i am home. after 3 weeks on the road, i am back in my apartment with my own bed calling my name ever so softly. so, here are just a few quick thoughts about flying to boston on delta:

it sucks.

despite the fact that i have the better part of 10,000 sky miles, i will never do it again.

i avoided the snow in kansas city and actually departed on time. the tricky part was, although i had made the reservation months ago and it was a confirmed ticket, i had no seat. being particularly anxious to get home, i asked the ticketing lady frankly, "does this mean that i might not get a seat?" "you'll be fine." she replied. so, i sat with no actual ticket for either leg of my flight and waited for the gate agent to call my name. then, the plane began to board. at five minutes to departure and with no one else in the gate area, i finally got my seat assignment (though i did have to beg for it.)

on board, i sat in my somewhat comfortable 1st row, window seat just in time for some woman to ask me if i would switch with her so she could sit next to her boyfriend. fighting a wretch, i agreed and moved to her middle seat between two fat guys. finding little solace in the fact that the happy couple enjoyed their 45 minute flight together, because who was i to make them be apart for that long?

the second leg of my flight started with a second non-existent boarding pass finally given to me at the gate. from first row to last row: 45d...an aisle seat.

i despise aisle seats! i do not want to move when i am flying. i get comfortable and that is that. if you ever fly with me and are in the window or middle to my aisle seat, don't even think about getting out. if you know you're going to go to the bathroom 5 times, REQUEST AN AISLE AND GIVE ME THE FREAKIN' WINDOW. needless to say, i had that guy next to me. 4 trips to the lav by johnny no-bladder and one argument with a flight attendant over the difference between coke and every other soft drink on the planet later, we landed in boston. 20 minutes later, i finally got off the plane.

the one thing delta did right was that one of my bags was waiting for me at the carousel. the other, however, showed up dead last. just in time for me to catch my ride with my buddy james and careen into the endless sea of crazy, night time massachusetts drivers.

television review: boohbah

boohbah is about the “adventures” of five brightly colored blobs (humbah, zumbah, jumbah, zing-zing-zingbah, and the often controversial jingbah) who float around in a glowing sphere above mid-town manhattan. co-existing with our heroes, are the residents of “storyworld.” they include grandpappa, grandmamma, mr. man, mrs. lady, brother, sister, and auntie. the “storypeople” are constantly getting in and out of various situations, while the boohbahs tend to experiment in movement and dance.

today, we are going to talk about the episode entitled “squeaky seesaw.” this episode consists mainly of a series of non-sequitors, incoherent plot twists and utterly laughable special effects thinly wrapped around the story of grandpappa and mr. man playing on a progressively unmanageable seesaw. the story is completely predictable and the narration, instead of adding value, only points out the obvious. for example, when an oil can is introduced to aid the two in fixing their immobile seesaw, the narrator deadpans, “an oil can” and offers no glimpse for the viewer into the psyche of these silent characters caught in this situation.

in the floating orb that contains the boohbahs, we see them dancing in various patterns ad nasuem. just when the viewer thinks the segment is going to end, the patterns seem to repeat themselves. the total lack of focus or a plausible plot device is in a word, sickening. instead, the director relies on cheap visual gimmickry and sight gags.

the third element of “squeaky seesaw” contains children repeating monotonous movements over and over in what appears to be central park while the boohbahs flaunt about in their globe overhead. this simply did not fit within the under-riding theme of the episode and seemed forced.

the concept of boohbah is nice enough, but the execution is elementary. the editing is jumpy and there is a complete disregard for continuity. the creators fail to capture the magic that they did in past shows such as teletubbies and acid trip for preschoolers. overall, boohbah’s heart my be in the right place, but it’s direction is borderline insulting to the educated audience it tries to impress.

(reviewers note: someone told me that this is, in fact, a show for kids. i could not verify this info, but i hope that if this is the case, i never have any.

ever have one of those nights?

traditions amongst my friends are many and deep.

last night i set out to partake in one of said traditions taking advantage of the fact that i was in kansas city. my freshman year in college, i joined up with a group of guys who would meet every sunday night at a local bar and grill to enjoy "nickle wings." this carried on for the entirety of my college career and despite the fact that half of us found better wings at another place and splintered off, it remained a center piece for my circle of friends in lawrence.

after college, we went our separate ways. but, a few of us still managed to get together occasionally at a new place in k.c. the wings are now a quarter each, but we get our money's worth by playing lots of ntn trivia. the absolute best circumstances existed when wings night coincided with a particular sports event. baseball and football games aside, it was never more fun than when during a college basketball game; particularly a KANSAS basketball game. i've watched my share of regular season and march madness games at one or another of these establishments over the past several years. and last night was going to be one of those nights. ku was playing st. joseph's AND it happen to be wings night AND i happen to be in k.c. the stars were aligning.

after spending the entire day making 25 copies of a 17 minute video for work, one at a time, i was looking forward to sitting down to an hour and a half of trivia followed by the ku/st. joe's game at 9pm. it was going to be a great night.

i called everyone i could think of to join my friend dave and i. so far, we were the only ones. i arrived a little before dave and got our table and our "playmakers." dave showed and we promptly order the standard: 18 medium wings, side of sauce and drinks. then the trivia game began. we talked about who was coming and we quickly realized that no one else was.

"i couldn't get a hold of jason." i said.

dave replied, "he has a new cell phone number. here, i'll give it to you"

what we realized later was that the simple act of opening up his cell phone to get me the new number changed the course of our evening. he called jason to confirm it was indeed his new number, and our wings arrived. i started in on them while he talked to our friend. then i heard dave have the following conversation:

"i gotta go, i have another call. hello? yeah. in kansas city, why? really? are you serious? for free?! uh, sure."

with a piping hot wing hanging from my mouth, i knew exactly what had just happened.

"just my buddy and me." dave continued. he looked at me. "what time is it?"

to myself, i thought, "time to eat the heck out of these wings and get outta here."

the correct answer was 7:40pm. an hour and 20 minutes 'til tip-off. we had just scored free tickets to the ku game.

five minutes later, we had polished off all but four of the wings and were paying the check. despite the curses from our waitress, and the fact that i had correctly answered the first 5 trivia questions...we logged out and jumped in our cars.

during the 25 or so mile trek west to lawrence, i don't remember much. a lot of channel surfing finally landed me on a special live release party for the new u2 album. i listened to all of the new tracks and commentary from this amazing band, and almost forgot where i was going.

5 or 6 songs later, i was in lawrence. we parked and walked. even though it was raining and 38 degrees, there was no pain. i was going back to allen fieldhouse for the first time in 3 years. we walked in just in time for the alma matter and "rock chalk" chant. the players were introduced and, in front of 16,000 screaming fans, the jayhawks proceeded to thump the hawks 91-51. it was great. not necessarily a nail-biter, but great.

during the game, the rain turned to snow. we walked back toward our cars up daisy hill, past ellsworth hall, the dorm i lived in my freshman year. suddenly, i felt as though i was headed back to the room to celebrate with friends until early in the morning. i felt like i was back in college, a place that is very, very special to me. nothing could ruin this nostalgic moment for me. not the fact that i was wearing clogs and my socks were wet. not the fact that i was more than likely not making it back to k.c. that night. not even the infamous "daisy clipper" that pelted us in the face as we crested the hill between the dorms. no, in fact, nothing could ruin this night.

so we decided that i was staying at dave's. and we ran by dillons and picked up some blue belle ice cream and sat in his hot tub as the snow continued to fall

dave later realized that his phone was on vibrate and neither of us would have heard it ring in his coat at the bar. so, thanks to my friend, jason, for changing his phone number and granting me an amazing night.

this just in...i am way cool

as week 2 of my current vagabond-dom around this country has come to an end, i sat in the back seat of my friend’s explorer heading north on interstate 35 from oklahoma city to kansas city. i was reading over today’s usa today due mainly to the fact that there is nothing to see along the previously mentioned interstate. they had a “special” section e today that was all about technology. as i read through it, i discovered something that shocked me a great deal: i am incredibly hip.

the main item that they included in their review was, of course, the apple i-pod, an item i both love and detest at the same time. they interviewed a series of teenage girls who swooned over the fact that you can get an i-pod mini in blue OR pink. “they look so cool.” one of them said. i felt a sense of smug superiority come over me as i remembered the purchase that i made over two years ago. a small (at the time) hard drive capable of storing up to 15,000 mp3s. you can plug headphones into it AND use it as an external hard drive. this 20gb miracle also allowed me to record my own stuff directly to it. then apple ruined my joy. now everyone has one of these devices…albeit not nearly as multi-functional as the “dinosaur” that i travel with. while my jukebox is not nearly as sleek and “cute” as the i-pod and it’s contemporaries…it was far cheaper, and requires no special software to operate. the i-pod revolution is in full swing, and i can rest assured that i was ahead of the masses on this one.

the next thing they included in their article was a slew of digital cameras. again, this is all the rage right now. while, digital cameras have been around for several years now, it was their focus on the new, accessible digital slr (single lens reflex) models. with reviews of no fewer than 5 compatible cameras, they praised the technology. i looked down at my feet and smiled at my year old digital slr, a christmas gift to myself last year. yes, again, i was on the cutting edge of consumer-level gadgets and, consequently, all things “sweeeet.”

the articles progressed into various other categories of remarkable little gizmos and trinkets that are capturing the wallets of fellow techno-geeks all across this great, modest-spending country. they settled on the subject of video games. microsoft’s xbox was talked about with great enthusiasm. at the focus of this fervor, was the new bungie release (and cultural guidepost) “halo 2.” now, i know that millions of people lined up around the corner at midnight a few weeks ago to grab this hot, new game that we all have been waiting for for over 2 years. but, the attention and praise of the xbox is what struck me. i was the third of my friends to purchase an xbox a while back, but considering the number of gamecubers and playstation…ers i know, i felt a bit of redemption due to the recent popularity of another of the toys that inhabit my little apartment.

what does all of this mean? well, simply…even though i do not own a blackberry, i am still proud to be at the forefront of most of the technology trends that continue to captivate our country. man, it’s great to be cool.

the fabulous jet-set life

it started off innocently enough. freakin’ EARLY in the morning, but innocent, nonetheless.

i just wrapped my first week of three straight weeks on the road. i am finishing up my current project with a certain financial mega-institution, and this weekend was the first of 3 pageant weekends in a row for me. lots of traveling. lots of luggage. lots of advil.

at 5:30 est this morning, i dragged myself into the passenger seat of a maroon subaru forester and tried to force my eyes open. a relatively uneventful, one and a half hour ride from the small town of portsmouth, ohio north toward the city of columbus followed. we arrived at the airport promptly at 7:25. my compatriots caught their respective 8:30ish flights and i waited for mine. a shuttle flight leaving at 9:50. after feasting on a partially toasted blueberry bagel and a bottle of water, i decided that there was no reason for this down time to go to waste. so, i found a nice “comfortable” chair at my gate and went back to bed. the normal sounds of a bustling terminal lulled me back to where I was torn from hours earlier. only the repeated sound of a motion-activated santa claus singing “we wish you a merry christmas” from a nearby gift shop stood out above the dull roar. i drifted off.

“sir. sir!” i awoke to. “are you on the flight to dulles?”

“huh?”

“the 8:45 to dulles is boarding.”

“uh. no. i’m on the next flight.”

“oh, okay. sorry.”

i resettled in my chair and dozed off again.

“sir. are you going to dulles?” a different agent this time.

“no, la guardia.”

“oh, sorry.”

my eyes stinging…i nodded off one more time.

“sir, are you going to dulles?”

“NO.”

i searched around for a piece of paper to make a sign that read “la guardia only” and put it on my chest. i found no paper. so, i pulled out a book.

finally, i flew to new york. i arrived there and changed gates with just enough time to catch my flight to boston. my new home. but there would be no going home today. my original booking for an evening flight from boston to rochester was preempted recently by a round trip to ohio. naturally, had the same person been responsible for both itineraries I could have just flown straight to rochester from columbus. instead, i got to enjoy a nice 6 hour lay over at my new favorite place, terminal B at logan airport. left with not enough time or resources to actually go home, i tried in vain to go standby on an earlier flight to alleviate the suffering. but, given that i had to retrieve my bags just to go upstairs and recheck them, and us airways’ inability to get our luggage off the plane, much LESS to the proper carousel (which of course switched 3 times during the 45 minute wait.)

author's note: the proper baggage claim etiquette SHOULD BE the following: stand about 5 feet away from the carousel allowing everyone waiting a clear view of the bags unloading. when your bag becomes visible, step forward and retrieve it. DO NOT crowd around shoulder to shoulder with shins pressed against said carousel and render others unable to come within a zipcode of their luggage.

anyway, i ended up 3rd on the standby list. The 2:55 to rochester allowed 2 standby passengers.

i killed a little more time in a sports bar trying futily to catch even a glimpse of the chiefs’ game. Instead I was able to view 9 screens…3 on buccaneers/falcons, 3 on steelers/browns, and 3 on jets/ravens. fortunately, the steelers/browns game ended and i was now treated to 6 screens of jets/ravens. the 14 year old tending bar seemed unable and unwilling to change the channels. so, out came the book again.

the funny thing about terminal B, is the absolute cacophony of noises that invade your every sense almost without ceasing. i counted at least 6 emergency exit alarms from employees going through the two nearby doors. countless pages in broken english from “massport” pierced the stale air. people grumbled into cell phones about the fact that their flight was going to be 15 minutes late. i laughed, and waited.

300 pages deeper into my book and countless annoying voices announcing the same thing over and over, they finally announced that the 6:55 to rochester was ready to board. i looked at my watch. it was 7:15.

but, before the boarding festivities started, they announced that the new flight crew had determined that the cargo hold was inoperable and that our checked luggage would have to go out on a later flight. more phone calls were made. alas, we finally boarded WITH our luggage in tow and promptly sat on the tarmac for approximately 45 minutes.

i finally touched down in rochester and cabbed it to my hotel by 9:24pm. total elapsed travel time: just shy of 16 hours. according to mapquest, driving time from portsmouth to rochester: 7 hours 31 minutes.

nothing spectacular. just another slice of the everyday glamour that is my life. i feel like i've been hit by a truck.

holiday movie preview

just doing my part to help out when you need to make those critical decisions about what movies to go see this holiday season. so here is my take on some of the offerings this year. (ratings scale: *=awful, **=terrible, ***bad, ****=okay, *****=might be worth seeing)

FINDING NEVERLAND (11/12) johnny depp plays a boyish man in this period movie. wow, that's inventive. all things considered, it should be pretty good. *****

SEED OF CHUCKY (11/12) gotta give them credit for still trying. *

BRIDGET JONES: THE EDGE OF REASON (11/12) renee zellweger with a bad english accent. people somehow liked the first one, i can't imagine how this got made. *

NATIONAL TREASURE (11/19) let's see, the director of "3 ninjas" AND nicholas cage in a taut, action flick that in no way resembles ANYTHING EVER DONE BEFORE?

at least angelina's hot. no stars

ALEXANDER (11/24) good cast, good director...might be watchable. at least angelina's hot. ****

CHRISTMAS WITH THE CRANKS (11/24) i'm sure this tim allen christmas fest is full of original sentiment and original comedy. **

HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS (12/03) i love the name! the girl from "crouching tiger" is in it, but with that name...who cares what it's about. ****

BEYOND THE SEA (12/10) as a movie? **** with an all kevin spacey soundtrack? ***

THE LIFE AQUATIC WITH STEVE ZISSOU (12/10) please let this be good. PLEEEEASE! *****

OCEAN'S TWELVE (12/10) the gang is back. i loved the first one, but this one's NOT in vegas and they've added catherine zeta-jones-douglas-jones-smith. ****

THE AVIATOR (12/17) leo dicaprio as howard hughes. lot's of oscar buzz already. from who? the director? oh...that MUST mean it's good. ****

LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS (12/17) one part tim burton, one part robin williams in "toys." in fact, i bet it's a LOT of parts robin williams in "toys." **

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (12/22) finally, the big screen version of one of the most over-hyped broadway musicals in the history of mankind. is madonna in this one, too? no? too bad. *

PROOF (12/24) this might actually be a good movie. if ONLY someone involved had ever won an award for anything they've done. *****

FAT ALBERT (12/25) bill cosby must be rolling over in his grave. wait. he's not dead. i'll give him a week after this thing comes out. *

that's it for now. until next time, i'll see YOU at the movies. or, at least, the checkout line at blockbuster in a few months.

what the heck is going on?

i just arrived home from the airport after two exhausting days in new york. i found myself absolutely "tearin' ass" up route 1 to get home as quick as possible. i felt a panic that i haven't in a long time. i was shocked when i realized that the reason i was racing toward my t.v. was to watch as much of tonight's election coverage as possible. for those of you who know me, yes i said it.

i happen to think that this night will be one of the more exciting nights we've experienced in years. so, i am trying to wrap my head around how this self-proclaimed "uninformed, apathetic, apolitical, registered independent" can possibly be excited to watch even another minute of the political train wreck that is the u.s. government.

here's what i know:
- i don't like george w. bush
- i don't like john kerry
- i am tired of the partisan crap (ie. we're right, they're wrong and america knows it)
- i would rather tear my own arm off and beat myself to death with it than have a political discussion.

however, i can't help but be excited about watching the results pour in in the next few hours. it's just like when i watch a great championship game between two teams that i have no allegiance to. an exciting game is an exciting game. welcome to america's newest spectator sport.

i remember watching the early stages of the debacle that was the 2000 election at a sports bar where we gathered every tuesday to watch whatever game was on just as an excuse to consume as many buffalo wings as possible. no game that night, just an election. but the energy was exactly the same. so, now i know exactly why i am giddy. it is the sheer thrill of watching a closely contested battle with no certain outcome.

i guess i'm fortunate to not have a personal investment in either candidate. there will be no dissappointment for me tonight. no crushing defeat. life will go on. the world will continue when the sun rises tomorrow. this nation, which has never been so divided, needs to support the winner, because whoever wins will have a job ahead of him that i wouldn't wish on anyone.

basically it comes down to this, if bush wins...pray for america. if kerry wins...pray for america. if a night manager at denny's in kentucky somehow wins...pray for america. we may not be a God-fearing nation anymore, but we certainly could use some guidance.

ah...halloween in nyc

there is nothing quite like walking around the streets of new york. only last night, there was a reason for all of the weirdos and crazies to wander aimlessly...it was halloween night.

from the time i got off the plane at laguardia, to the time i finally made it back to my hotel room after a trip through times square, two subway trips and a bar or two on the lower east side, i had seen tons of costumes. some good. some bad. some hilarious. here is a partial list of some of my favorites:

- a cross-dressing sumo wrestler
- professor gumby from monty python's flying circus (complete with brick in hand)
- 3 girls as the 3 phases of britney spears (1. schoolgirl outfit, 2. leather and underwear on outside, and 3. runny makeup, hair messed up, dirty house dress, and a bottle of scotch)
- where's waldo (see picture)

- "the bride" from kill bill making out with an astronaut on the subway
- an i-pod
- michael myers from "halloween" just hanging out in the corner at ray's pizza
- a terrible mariachi band that insisted on playing actual instruments
- spongebob square pants

and my favorite
- jesus and his 12 disciples

the last one created quite possibly the single oddest moment in my life seeing this holy group descend the stairs onto the f train platform to the tune of the hallelujah chorus playing from a large boom box carried by, i believe, peter.

i was sad that i was missing the show that is halloween in salem, but i knew i was in the right place the moment i saw a mime and a pirate sharing a kebab on 45th street while laughing at a 300 pound man in a pink tutu.

i love new york