the "crazy magnet" files - vol. III
today's installment:
customer #000499 - "fishy joe"
a new entrant into the (insert record store name here) hall of astonishingly strange customers, "fishy joe" has only graced our fair store but once. in fact, it was 10 minutes ago. fishing pole in hand, he entered and left with the abruptness and severity of a late july storm in the midwest. the best i can do is try and recap the transcript:
fj - (entering and muttering) tapes. tapes. you gotta have tapes.
me - right behind you.
fj - right. you gave me the deal of a lifetime last time. ac/dc.
(he then stared at me for what seemed like an hour. the look told me he realized that i wasn't the guy he thought i was, but still tried to conjur where he knew me from.)
fj - (cont'd) how long you been here? like 3, 4 years?
me - almost a year.
fj - right. right. you remember the ac/dc?
me - it's possible.
fj - you ARE the guy? or is there another owner?
me - nope just me.
fj - ok. i love that ac/dc. it was like 5 tapes for 10 bucks. i still crank that shit. (brief pause) "back in black." you know that one?
me - (nodding) it's a good tune.
fj - hell yeah! it's a good ALBUM. (thumbing through the existing tapes) robert plant? he sucks. you know who else sucks?
me - (barely containing my curiosity) who's that?
fj - U2. i HATE that U2. well, not YOU too..but U 2.
me - i get it.
fj - (sensing something wasn't quite right.) what. do you like them or something?
me - (quickly deciding that i wouldn't be filet'd in my own store for this opinion) yeah. i like them.
fj - they suck! and they're EVERYWHERE. but they suck. you know who IS good...well, a lot of people. just not U2. (continuing through the rack) benny goodman? wasn't he that comedian.
me - i think that was henny youngman.
fj - i know. i know. i'm just joking. i just came in from the heat.
me - are the fish biting?
fj - (ignoring the question and turning his attention to my t-shirt) "b-side?" what, is that a prison thing or something?
me - (trying to not show an ounce of humor on my face) no, it's like the b-side of a record. (i gesture to the turntable to my right.) a-side. b-side.
(blank stares. followed by silence.)
fj - 'cause i just got out of prison. i was in what we called the "c-side." i was king there.
(more silence)
fj - (cont'd) alright. well good luck to ya. (he exits abruptly....then sticks his head back in.) not that you need luck. you're a working man.
then he disappeared into the fading afternoon light.
and i find myself having to reconsider my stance on the suckiness of U2....potentially for my own safety.
customer #000499 - "fishy joe"
a new entrant into the (insert record store name here) hall of astonishingly strange customers, "fishy joe" has only graced our fair store but once. in fact, it was 10 minutes ago. fishing pole in hand, he entered and left with the abruptness and severity of a late july storm in the midwest. the best i can do is try and recap the transcript:
fj - (entering and muttering) tapes. tapes. you gotta have tapes.
me - right behind you.
fj - right. you gave me the deal of a lifetime last time. ac/dc.
(he then stared at me for what seemed like an hour. the look told me he realized that i wasn't the guy he thought i was, but still tried to conjur where he knew me from.)
fj - (cont'd) how long you been here? like 3, 4 years?
me - almost a year.
fj - right. right. you remember the ac/dc?
me - it's possible.
fj - you ARE the guy? or is there another owner?
me - nope just me.
fj - ok. i love that ac/dc. it was like 5 tapes for 10 bucks. i still crank that shit. (brief pause) "back in black." you know that one?
me - (nodding) it's a good tune.
fj - hell yeah! it's a good ALBUM. (thumbing through the existing tapes) robert plant? he sucks. you know who else sucks?
me - (barely containing my curiosity) who's that?
fj - U2. i HATE that U2. well, not YOU too..but U 2.
me - i get it.
fj - (sensing something wasn't quite right.) what. do you like them or something?
me - (quickly deciding that i wouldn't be filet'd in my own store for this opinion) yeah. i like them.
fj - they suck! and they're EVERYWHERE. but they suck. you know who IS good...well, a lot of people. just not U2. (continuing through the rack) benny goodman? wasn't he that comedian.
me - i think that was henny youngman.
fj - i know. i know. i'm just joking. i just came in from the heat.
me - are the fish biting?
fj - (ignoring the question and turning his attention to my t-shirt) "b-side?" what, is that a prison thing or something?
me - (trying to not show an ounce of humor on my face) no, it's like the b-side of a record. (i gesture to the turntable to my right.) a-side. b-side.
(blank stares. followed by silence.)
fj - 'cause i just got out of prison. i was in what we called the "c-side." i was king there.
(more silence)
fj - (cont'd) alright. well good luck to ya. (he exits abruptly....then sticks his head back in.) not that you need luck. you're a working man.
then he disappeared into the fading afternoon light.
and i find myself having to reconsider my stance on the suckiness of U2....potentially for my own safety.
posted by cade at 1:32 PM
7 Comments:
Fishy Joe: The King of C-Side.
There's a song/play/movie/book for ya.
That's hilarious.
dude, when the "king of C-side" says that U2 sucks you agree with him...
or you might get a shiv...
or a shower dance...
Have you ever considered maybe keeping a baseball bat or at least some pepper spray behind the counter? Just a thought.
good idea. i hae a bat. i should pull the "ole slugger" out of retirement. it hasn't gotten much use since college.
ali. he could have told me that my momma sucks and i would have let him.
fletch said it best: "when the "king of C-side says (something) sucks you agree with him"
plus, he had a fishing pole.
D'oh. I screwed up my Palmer Plants. This is a habit lately. Is 31 too young for senility?
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