on love (and all that stuff)

there is something about a wedding that cuts me.

not the sort of wedding where you're forced to go because you know someone who knows someone. but the kind of wedding where one of your dear friends is found complete before God and all the witnesses. the kind of wedding that makes you feel estatic and jealous all at the same time, creating a new emotion that has no name.

i have witnessed every variation of the ceremony known as "the wedding." the amazing, the strange, the humorous, the uncomfortable. all of it. and i cherish the times when it goes beoyond amazing and straight to...well, divine.

last night, my friend jack got married. it was an outdoor wedding, at a farmhouse, in kansas, in june. the risk was great and the potential for weather and cow-related issues was high. however (despite a devastating storm that interrupted the rehearsal dinner and flooded many surrounding roadson friday night,) 6:30 pm rolled around on saturday and the sun broke through the clouds just in time to backlight the entire wedding party and turn the pond (serving as the backdrop for the unity candles and such) into a glowing sea of blue and gold. yet despite the sunshine, the temperature (which could have easily soared into the 90's) stayed relatively at bay and a beautiful evening began.

there is something so pure about seeing two people who so complete each other, come together in such a lovely and fortunate setting. without details, i'll just say that jack and mindy deserved EXACTLY this moment. it was perfect.

then, to the reception. "the party tent" held about 200 people and 4-times as many beers. here, the night turned a little selfish for me. since i moved away from kansas city, i have talked to few people. last night allowed me the chance to catch up with friends who became very dear in the waining months of my kansas-ness. had i stayed, these would be the people i would spend my time with. share my life with. and last night i got to do just that a little. it made me sad, in a way, to leave. not that i don't love my new home on the atlantic. but, rather that i can't have it all. i have deep, lasting friendships all across the country and i love that. but, i can't be surrounded by everyone that i love at the same time. it's just not possible. i have sacrificed the KC group and last night made me feel that for the first time.

anyway, back to love. i am a bitter, jaded soul. but i admit, that is just a front. i cry often. i cry while listening to music. i cry during oscar acceptance speeches. and i cry at weddings if everything is right. i fight the urge to be jealous, but i am rarely successful. and i'm okay with that. i'm jealous that the bride and groom have found each other despite impossible odds. i'm jealous that my married friends (read: everyone at the reception) all have amazing wives, and that i can easily and comfortably have a fascinating and truthful conversation with them as if i've known them for years as well. it's a humbling thing to encounter.

anyway, i feel like i am rambling. i'm still a little groggy from the drive back last night, and i am trying desperately to come up with a wrap up for this post, but i think i just have to let it end. i don't have all the answers. if i did, maybe i could start an advice column or something.